Leftists Demand White Americans Get Permission Before Using Word MONKEY

FLORIDA – The word police on the American left aren’t happy with the use of the word “monkey” after Florida governor hopeful Ron DeSantis used it in a political discussion this week. Though not a monkey, his opponent is an African-American man. Progressives have deemed the word racist if it’s used by a white person and there’s a black person within 500 miles. Going forward, progressive word Nazi’s are demanding that all white people ask for, and receive, permission from them before using the word “monkey” in any setting. Leftists…

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Stormy Daniels Vows to Dance Under Oath Before Congress

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WASHINGTON – America’s sweetheartwhore, Stormy Daniels, vowed this week to dance under oath in front of Congress, in the event that President Donald Trump is impeached. Daniels says she will “testify” in front of members of the governing body the only way she knows how. “I would be happy to use the language of the interpretative dance that some call ‘stripping’ to tell what I know about the president, if it comes to that,” Stormy said. Daniels’ former lawyer Michael Avenatti has offered to hold the pole during any performance…

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PETA Fail: ‘Freed’ Animal Crackers Still Captive In Boxes

VIRGINIA – At PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers) headquarters in Norfolk, jubilation over the organization’s victory to ‘free’ animals on the box of Nabisco’s Barnum’s Animal Crackers was short lived. Employees soon realized that, despite their efforts, the animals were still captive within each box of crackers. PETA fought to have the snack company remove the circus bars from the box cover, and replace it with the animals in some imagined, cookie Serengeti. This move would effectively ‘free’ the animals that have appeared captive on the…

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Michelle Wolf’s Netflix Show Aborted in First Trimester

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NETFLIX – The so-called ‘comedian’ and professional Trump basher, Michelle Wolf, had her new show aborted after just three months on the streaming service. Wolf, a huge supporter of abortion, can’t be too unhappy with the termination of the unwanted show in its first trimester. “I should be really bummed,” Wolf said, “But it’s their network, their choice. I was hoping they would give the show a full nine-month run, and then maybe if they didn’t want it at that time, like, some other network could adopt it? You know,…

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Omarosa Violated ‘Lowlife Statute’ With Secret WH Recordings

WASHINGTON – Disgruntled former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman is potentially facing legal jeopardy for violating the little-known ‘Lowlife Statute.’ She did so when she admitted in her new book that she secretly recorded Chief of Staff John Kelly in the White House Situation Room. The Lowlife Statute, an obscure law found under Chapter 4 – Backstabbing the President, Section 20MAGA20, subsection b(1) of the federal penal code, states that: “Anyone who is labeled a ‘Lowlife’ by the president, after said lowlife has been dismissed from their government position…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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CNN: Acosta Dodged Sniper Fire, IED’s At Trump Rally

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TAMPA – According to CNN reporter April Ryan, fellow network reporter Jim Acosta’s life was in danger at a recent rally held here for President Trump and a local politician. After enduring chants from the crowd of “CNN sucks!” Ryan says Acosta is lucky to be alive. Speaking to racist anchor Don Lemon, Ryan said, “It was like a war zone in there. Not only was Jim crawling on his elbows through the crowds to avoid sniper fire from Secret Service, but IED’s had been placed near many of the…

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Proof Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Is REALLY All About Free Stuff

BRONX – In a wide-ranging Q & A session following a recent fundraiser for the Socialist Democratic Party, bartender slash economic guru Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told an audience just how much she loves free stuff. Call it her Bill Clinton “boxers vs. briefs” moment. Below are some of the questions asked by event attendees, followed by her response in commie red: What’s you favorite word? Freebie. What’s your favorite Tom Petty song? Free Fallin.’ How would you describe your supporters? Free loaders. One more on music. What’s your favorite rock anthem?…

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