Dr. Christine Ford Explains Her Fear of Testiflying

testiflying

WASHINGTON – Many people have a fear of flying, but Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser, suffers from a unique form of this phobia. She is cursed with the fear of “testiflying.” Dr. Ford is allegedly paralyzed with a fear of flying if it involves her traveling to testify about her past. Her lawyers have attested to her affliction. Fortunately, Ford’s fear of flying can be conquered by attaching a sunny destination with beautiful beaches to the end of a flight. “Everyone knows a plane doesn’t crash when…

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Democrats Now Claim Farm Animals Assaulted By Brett Kavanaugh

assaulted

CESSPOOL OF WASH. DC – In their bid to claim Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted nearly every living creature as a younger man, Democrats are just getting started. They next plan to out several farm animals they claim Kavanaugh tried to have sex with back in the day. Senator Chuck Schumer is demanding today that the FBI (Farm Bureau of Investigations) conduct a thorough check into these new assault charges. The new allegations center around Goat Boy and several unnamed chicks. The chicks all say they wish to remain anonymous.…

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Kavanaugh Accuser Pens ‘Senate Hearings For Dummies’ Book

PALO ALTO – Christine Blasey Ford, the accuser of President Trump’s supreme court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, has written the latest in the “Dummies” book collection: Senate Hearings for Dummies. She wrote the book during her down time while stalling to commit to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. In a bid to stop him from becoming a Justice on the highest court, Ford has accused Kavanaugh of getting handsy at a party in the early ’80’s. Here are a few excerpts from the book: It’s best to not have ANY corroborating…

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Senate Judiciary Agrees to Ford-Kavanaugh Steel Cage Death Match

Ford

WASHINGTON – Saying it’s the only fair way to end the stalemate between Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh, the Senate Judiciary Committee agreed to a winner-take-all steel cage death match between the two. Ford has accused Kavanaugh, a Supreme Court nominee, of getting overly frisky with her 36 years ago. Senator Chuck Grassley told reporters, “I think Brett will take her pretty early on. But to make the match fair, we’re going to allow Ms. Ford to have one of her lawyers (or Senator Dianne Feinstein) present in…

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Ernie Claims Bert Groped Him At Party 36 Years Ago

SESAME STREET – In a classic case of he said/he said, Ernie, after 36 years, is claiming that longtime roommate Bert once groped and sexually assaulted him at a party. The pair were drunk after throwing back several bottles of MD 20/20 the night the alleged incident took place. However, the timing of the revelation is suspect. The country was on the verge of confirming rumors that the two friends were gay lovers when Ernie made his accusation public. Why did he remain quiet for three-and-a-half decades? “Look, I love…

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Weather Channel’s Mike Seidel Caught In Hellish Personal Hurricane

NORTH CAROLINA – Veteran Weather Channel personality Mike Seidel thought he’d seen it all from the storms he’s covered before. Hurricane Florence changed all of that. Seidel spent much of the recent rain event trapped in his own hellish, personal hurricane. Video footage showed Seidel fighting to brave intense storm conditions within a “hurricane bubble.” The Weather Channel describes a hurricane bubble as “a pocket of hurricane force conditions that exist in a 10 to 20-foot radius, while areas outside the bubble experience much milder conditions.” “Hurricane bubbles are pretty…

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Willie Nelson Releases Song List For Beto O’Rourke Rally

willie

AUSTIN – Music legend Willie Nelson has never performed a free concert in support of a political candidate. Until now. He’s chosen to break his streak with a concert in support of socialist Texas senate candidate, Beto O’Rourke. O’Rourke will face Senator Ted Cruz in November’s midterm election. Nelson has performed at fundraisers for past political candidates like Wendy Davis and Dennis Kucinich, but this one will be free and open to the public. Willie will perform for all who come out to Lady Bird Lake and sit amongst the…

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NOAA Admits Hurricane Forecast Models Drawn By 3-Year-Old Twins

hurricane

SILVER SPRING – NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration) officials admitted this week that the forecast models used to show projected hurricane paths are actually drawn by 3-year-old twins. Known as spaghetti models, the charts are used to show the public some possibilities the path a hurricane or tropical storm may take. And while most of these models look like they were drawn by a small child, this is the first admission of the practice by NOAA. Bill Steiner, a marine climatologist for NOAA, said his 3-year-old daughters, Sadie and…

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Cory Booker Has His Moment: I Am SPARTAPUSS!

Booker

WASHINGTON – During a hearing for a Supreme Court nominee, Democrat senator Cory Booker showed the world he is literally a social justice “warrior.” Booker defied the senate gods and released emails regarding nominee Brett Kavanaugh that had not been approved for release. This practice was frowned upon, even in ancient times. “I…AM…SPARTAPUSS!!” Cory proclaimed on Twitter. “I’m willing to fall on my sword to prove that Mr. Kavanaugh is a racist. Look at him. He’s white!” Booker fancies himself a political gladiator, though, like this one, he loses most…

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Nike Updates Slogan, Tagline: Just Disrespect It

BEAVERTON – Nike, the Oregon-based athletic apparel and shoe giant, has decided to update its brand. The company just announced that social justice anthem-kneeler Colin Kaepernick will be the face of their 30th anniversary marketing campaign. The campaign centers on alienating millions of loyal customers by disrespecting the American flag, the national anthem, and police officers everywhere. Thus, the new slogan, “Just Disrespect It,” replaces the familiar “Just Do It” that’s known worldwide. In addition to the new slogan, Nike is using the following tagline to go along with it:…

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