Planned Parenthood Seethes Over Trump Birthright EO Hurting Business

birthright

NEW YORK – At Planned Parenthood (PP) headquarters, employees are furious over President Trump’s plans to affect their future business. Trump is considering ending the birthright citizenship provision of the 14th amendment in our Constitution. The move is an attempt to stop the practice of giving babies born to non-citizens (illegals) legal citizenship, even though their parents are not Americans. The amendment was written at the time to award citizenship to slaves. “Noooooo!!!!!!!” cried baby dismemberment expert, Bianca Lennox. “I’ve been aborting babies here for years. And killing babies of…

Read More

Media Slam Trump Rhetoric For Causing Dodgers World Series Collapse

blame

LOS ANGELES – The Boston Red Sox are world champions again. They defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 4 games to 1 to claim the title. Some say it was Boston’s pitching, timely hitting, or the Dodgers’ quiet bats that were to blame for LA’s loss. The media know better. They always do. President Trump rigged the series before it even started. “From being here in Dodger Stadium, I can tell you first hand, because I witnessed this myself, there were people openly rooting for the visiting team,” reported CNN’s Dana…

Read More

DHS Dubs Terrorist ‘Dumbass Bomber,’ Based On Those Targeted

WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement this morning regarding the serial mail bomber currently terrorizing Democrats. The statement reads “that the domestic terrorist has been dubbed the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’” The label is applicable because of those who have been targeted so far. Part of the statement reads as follows: For the time being, the Dept. of Homeland Security will officially be referring to the serial bomber as the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’ Based on forensic analyses of the recipients of the devices found to this point, it appears…

Read More

DC Restaurants to Start Offering Protesting/Non-Protesting Seating Areas

WASHINGTON – It used to be smoking or non-smoking. These days, however, restaurants in the nation’s capitol will soon be offering protesting or non-protesting seating areas. It’s a test program for now, but will be rolled out to other cities run by Democrats if successful. Some DC-area restaurant owners say that getting screamed at while trying to enjoy your meal only adds to the Washington dining experience. Customers in protesting sections will be serenaded with shouted chants, usually no longer than five or six words. That’s the highest number of…

Read More

Leftists Outraged Over Mob Label, Prefer Calling Activists Flash Mobs

ATLANTA – Media types, especially those at CNN, can’t bear to hear of Antifa-types being labeled as ‘mobs.’ Besides, just because a group of hateful people walks like a mob, and talks like a mob, doesn’t mean it’s a mob. Right? “I don’t like the ‘M’ word. I prefer to refer to them as flash mobs,” CNN’s Brooke Baldwin admitted. “They’re just a bunch of people who spontaneously decide to harass, attack, and fight Trump supporters. A true mob would be made up of a bunch of angry people suddenly…

Read More

Elizabeth Warren’s DNA Test Reveals She’s 82.6% Liar

dna

MASSACHUSETTS – Using the DNA test from genetic profiling company¬†23andMeCherokee,¬†Senator Elizabeth Warren released results that shed light on her ancestry. Warren has insisted she’s got Native American heritage in her bloodline. However, recently submitted DNA tests prove she likely has less Native American heritage than the average white woman in America today. Daniel Farraday, a geneticist with 23andMeCherokee, revealed, “The closest we could come to pinning down any real Indian connection to Mrs. Warren was that we believe her great-great-great-great grandfather may have met a Cherokee tribe member when the…

Read More

MSNBC’s Velshi Tries To Flag Down A Few Viewers For Show

NEW YORK – MSNBC host Ali Velshi tried frantically this week to get the attention of anybody that might have any interest at all in a little show he does with co-host Stephanie Ruhle. Judging by the ratings, Velshi’s antics fell way short. Ali waved his arms wildly, inadvertently slapping Ruhle in the face several times, and waking her up from her on-air nap during the show. Ruhle opened her eyes slightly, but never lost her normal, resting bitch face expression. “I was just trying to get anyone who may…

Read More

Socialist Ocasio-Cortez Demands Free Tuition To Electoral College

tuition

NEW YORK – Democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said this weekend that the Electoral College should not be exempt from the push for free tuition to all colleges and universities. “Students should have the right to attend any college they wish – tuition free – and that includes the Electoral College,” Cortez told a town hall crowd. Democrats in the audience cheered her proposal. “Of course, I don’t, like, really know how things actually work in the real world.” Hillary Clinton has called for the Electoral College to be torn down.…

Read More

Midterms: Registered Democrats to Receive Torches, Pitchforks After Voting

pitchforks

WASHINGTON – Forget those “I Voted” stickers that voters are usually offered after casting their ballot. They’re so 2016. This November, voting Democrats will each receive torches and pitchforks as they exit polling places. The Democratic National Committee announced Sunday that the giveaway will help Democrats be ready to join their local rage mob if midterm election results do not go their way. However, DNC chairman Tom Perez stressed that voters will have to provide their own fire starter and/or kerosene. “We can’t afford to supply everything,” Perez noted. “In…

Read More

Dems Question Kavanaugh ‘Let It Be Lowenbrau’ Yearbook Comment

yearbook

WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats are still demanding explanations for some cryptic entries contained in Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s high school calendars and yearbooks. Despite a looming vote on his confirmation to the Supreme Court, certain Democrats say questions about Kavanaugh’s past continue to raise red flags for them. Senator Cory Booker wondered, “In May of 1982, the judge wrote ‘Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau.’ Who or what is Lowenbrau? A classmate? A secret party place? He needs to answer this. Is it related to the ‘Devil’s Triangle,’ or a type of…

Read More