Book Excerpt: Michelle Obama’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

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WASHINGTON – Former First Lady Michelle Obama has been feeling hopeless ever since she and her husband left the White House almost two years ago. In this excerpt from her recent book Becoming, Michelle recounts her thoughts one night, during the last Christmas Eve the Obama’s spent in power. Her retelling of a classic holiday story paints a picture of frustration and fear that she felt in the wake of the election that fall in 2016: ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when in the White House, Not a creature was…

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Trump To Ring In 2019 When Chuck Schumer’s Glasses Drop

TIMES SQUARE – Preparations are being made here to use the traditional New Year’s Eve crystal ball drop to ring in 2019 if Chuck Schumer’s glasses fail to drop off his nose by midnight on the 31st. However, President Trump decreed that the new year does not officially begin until Schumer’s glasses fall completely off his face. Washington insiders can gauge the state of their Democratic party at any given time, based solely on the position of the Senate Minority leader’s glasses on his nose. As Schumer becomes more insane…

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Judge Kills Obamacare, Dems Given Board Game As Consolation Prize

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TEXAS – A federal judge here essentially killed Obamacare in a ruling last week. Sure, there will be appeals for years to come. But what’s a Democrat to do in the meantime? Fortunately, the judge reminded them they will always have the Obamacare board game as a consolation prize. The judge recommended that Democratic leaders work on coming up with a plan that isn’t unconstitutional and forced down the throats of Americans. Then he thanked them for playing. The board game Democrats are left with is sure to be a…

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Chris Christie Pulls Hammy, Out Of Running For Trump Chief Of Staff

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WASHINGTON – “I don’t run. If I’d known there was going to be running involved, I would’ve ended this speculation much sooner,” former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said. He was responding to news today that he was being considered for President Trump’s next Chief of Staff. Christie’s people released a statement saying he was “taking himself out of the running for the Chief of Staff position.” The disgraced governor doesn’t do anything that involves running. “I think that’s pretty apparent,” he told reporters. “I can stroll, like I did…

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Ocasio-Cortez Considering Changing Last Name To Pelosi

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WASHINGTON – Alexandria Pelosi? Maybe. But is this town big enough for two Pelosi’s? Incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has long cemented her spot as the biggest idiot in Congress. Now, a new challenger has appeared. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the ditzy darling of the Socialist-Democrat party, is desperately trying to out Pelosi Pelosi. “I say, like, 10 more moronic things a day than Nancy does. I’m even thinking of changing my last name to Pelosi.” “It’s kind of a way to honor her stupidity, but also a way to…

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Clinton Tour’s Low Ticket Sales Strategy: Enter Free, Pay To Get Out

SUGAR LAND, TX – Bill and Hillary Clinton’s “Can’t Get Rid of Us Tour” has been having serious problems selling tickets to see their dog and pony show. A planned event here this week to listen to the famous grifters make excuses for all the ways America has failed them, has been postponed. Ticket sales were in the toilet, but the pair blamed the postponement on the death and funeral of former President George H. W. Bush. “Boy, I tell you what,” Bill Clinton said, “The Grim Reaper sure pulled…

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