Biden Threatens To Have Reporter Fired Within Six Hours For Ukraine Question

LOS ANGELES – While answering questions from reporters this weekend, 2020 Democratic candidate Joe Biden became irate when a question was asked about his Ukraine/Hunter Biden scandal. He immediately threatened the offending reporter with causing his employment termination within six hours if the reporter didn’t withdraw his question. A visibly pissed Biden reacted to the Ukraine question, saying, “Kiddo, I’m not gonna respond to that. Look, I make one phone call and I’ll have you fired within six hours. How dare you question my nepotism skills! You wanna walk back…

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Scientists Isolate Impeachment Gene In Democrats For First Time

gene

AUSTIN – Geneticists working at the University of Texas have finally located the impeachment gene that is carried by all Democrats. The breakthrough findings may one day help lead to a cure for what makes impeachment-obsessed Democrats so bat-shit crazy. Dr. Greg Zinter, a researcher at UT’s BioScience Dpt., explained the significance of the new discovery. “We’ve wondered what causes Democrats to throw logic, common sense, and facts out the window when they get the urge to impeach. Now, we have a better idea. It’s not that they’re necessarily brain…

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Democrats Reveal How Trump Whistleblower Complaint Originated

whistleblower

WASHINGTON – Everyone wants to know how details of a conversation between President Trump and a foreign leader were leaked through a whistleblower. The New York Times is now reporting that the information was given to Democrats through a complex chain of hearsay that went like this: The Times also said the above method mirrors the papers’ own procedure for making up stories and then citing “anonymous” sources. Democrat Nancy Pelosi would only tell reporters they were tipped off to the whistleblower complaint by a brave girl named Simone. And…

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Climate Teenager Greta Launches Barrage Of Disapproving Looks To Save Planet

Greta

NEW YORK – Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg has figured out that by firing off disapproving looks at weak-minded politicians, she can shame them into doing what she wants. She is deathly afraid of climate change, and there’s no end to the pouting she’ll do until it’s fixed. Those on the Left have elevated the teenager to near-Saint status just because they can’t bear to see the disappointment on her face due to their inability to save us all from bursting into flames in a few years. The young Swede…

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NYT Flirts With Writing Factual Story, Won’t Commit Just Yet

NYT

NEW YORK – The New York Times, long known as “the newspaper of record (players)” in this country, is toying with the idea of using facts in their articles. The bold move is under review by upper management at press time. “Staff has been confused about this possible new approach, so we’ve brought in so-called journalistic experts to try to explain what changes this would entail,” a Times spokesman said. “I don’t know if it’ll take or not. It’s pretty drastic.” The paper has received significant backlash over its recent…

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Corn Pop And The Sugar Cereal Gang No Match For Badass Biden

DELAWARE – Joe Biden has lived quite a life in his own head. And he’s willing to share it with anyone who’s willing to listen. Finally, video has emerged that introduces America to the exploits of Badass Biden the Lifeguard and his nemesis Corn Pop and the Sugar Cereal Gang. As he tells it, Biden went all Baywatch in the early 1960’s at a community pool where he was a lifeguard. A player named Corn Pop wouldn’t obey when Joe ordered him to step off (the diving board). Words were…

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Beto: Gun Show Attendees Kindly Offered To Shove AR-15’s Up My Butt

AR-15

MERICA – 2020 lost cause Beto O’Rourke said in the latest Democratic debate that he was coming for your guns. In the 1 in 10,000,000,000 chance he were ever to become president of the United States, he would push for gun confiscation. When asked if he would institute a gun buyback program, the hapless candidate emphatically responded, “Hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47.” To strengthen his position, O’Rourke said he attended a gun show recently in which people at the event told him they would gladly…

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Warren Or Hillary? Debate Rages Within Dem Party Over Who Is More Shrill

WASHINGTON – What’s worse than one shrill woman (Hillary Clinton)? Two shrill women. Elizabeth Warren is that other woman. And as the 2020 Democratic primary season heats up, rumors are flying that the two shrillettes are talking together behind the scenes. After all, for Warren, who better to seek advice from than the previous loser? Liz may just be asking for advice on which states to skip during a campaign run. But who is more shrill? The question is causing deep division within the party itself. Tom Perez, head of…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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Root Canal Appts Skyrocket For Same Hours As CNN Climate Change Town Hall

CHICAGO – Dentists across the nation are reporting a huge influx of appointments for root canal procedures, with patients wanting to schedule during the same 7-hour period that CNN will be broadcasting a climate change town hall. Ten 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls will numb viewers during the event. Bruce Weaver of the American Dental Association says he’s never seen anything like this. “We’re getting reports from all over the country that dentists are receiving tons of calls for root canal procedures specifically during the CNN climate show. People have already…

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