Democrats Hinge Hopes On Ex-Trump Lawyer Droopy Cohen

Cohen

WASHINGTON – In a desperate attempt to nail President Trump, Democrats in Congress are hoping his former lawyer, Michael “Droopy” Cohen, can give them some good dirt to use against him. The atmosphere during Cohen’s testimony has been electric, with yawns and letdowns aplenty. House Democrat Elijah Cummings announced that Cohen’s testimony today is being sponsored by No-Doz Maximum Strength Alertness Aid. Droopy, a convicted liar who will be behind bars soon, had half the chamber napping before he finished his opening statement. In fact, Cummings brought in Eeyore, he…

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Elizabeth Warren Floats Reparations For Dems Traumatized By Trump

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Ancestry guru and 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, Elizabeth Warren, publicly floated the idea for reparations for the first time yesterday. At a campaign rally here, she announced that Democrats deserved reparations for the suffering they have been forced to endure during this Trump presidency. “I know the calendar says 2019,” Warren bellowed, “But for all us Democrats, we’re stuck on November 9th, 2016. The day after the greatest injustice my people have ever had to face!” Still unable to move on, SacagaWarren made her case for reparations.…

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Jussie Smollett To Receive Razzie For Worst Hate Crime Performance

CHICAGO – In a late addition to this week’s 2019 Golden Raspberry Awards, or “Razzies” as they’re also called, honoring the worst in acting, Jussie Smollett will be scoring his first win for his latest acting effort. The hapless actor will receive this year’s Worst Hate Crime Performance by an Individual or Ensemble¬†Razzie. Fresh off being taken into custody by Chicago Police, the announcement brightened Jussie’s mood and bolstered his belief that “any publicity is better than no publicity.” His cell mates agreed. Explaining the organization’s rationale for honoring Smollett,…

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Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Trump Declares National Emergency To Deal With Ocasio-Cortez

ROSE GARDEN – President Trump today announced he is declaring a national emergency to deal with the arrogance and stupidity of new congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). Because Congress has refused to deal with the annoying, know-it-all bartender, the president has been forced to act on his own. “Even though congressional Democrats refuse to accept the dire situation that AOC’s weak intellect poses to our country, to protect the interests of sane Americans, and to preserve the safety and well-being of our nation’s gassy cows, I am declaring that her warped…

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AOC Wants Planes, Trains and Automobiles Outlawed Within 10 Years

planes

BRONX – It’s the Green New Deal. It’s designed to save the planet. It’s the brainchild of a deranged lunatic. And it involves banning all copies of the 1987 movie Planes, Trains and Automobiles for some reason. The lunatic behind the plan? The one and only Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the newly-elected socialist who should be in an insane asylum rather than in Congress. Her Green New Deal has the abolition of anything that runs on an engine as its main goal. “This movie is a negative influence in our culture…

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Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

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General Assembly Adopts ‘Virginia Is For Shoe Polish Lovers’ Slogan

virginia

RICHMOND – In the wake of an ongoing blackface controversy involving its state leaders, Virginia’s General Assembly updated the state’s slogan today. “Virginia Is For Lovers,” the state’s well known tagline, has been updated to “Virginia Is For Shoe Polish Lovers.” With news coming out that Governor Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring both sported blackface in their college days, the governing body felt the update was justified. The news explains why Virginia has lead the country in shoe polish sales for decades. Minority leader Eileen Filler-Corn stated, “Hey,…

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Yearbook: Ralph Northam Voted Most Likely To Resign In Disgrace

VIRGINIA – Although he’s denying it at the moment, the clock is ticking down to when the state’s governor will have to resign. Ralph Northam (Dem/Socialist – VA), is embroiled in a race/abortion controversy, going back to his med-school days in 1984. The governor first made headlines for saying babies could be aborted after birth. If they aren’t allowed to abort them, Ralph says they should at least be able to paint the newborns’ faces with blackface, then shove the babies back into the mother. You know, out of sight…

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