#MeToo? Joe Biden Admits Past As Shampoo Fragrance Secret Shopper

WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job. “I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I…

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Trump Closes Michigan Rally With Tribute To Ted Nugent

Michigan

GRAND RAPIDS – The raucous crowd attending President Trump’s rally last night were treated to a surprise concert to close the event, when the president paid tribute to Michigan rocker and MAGA supporter Ted Nugent. After hitting all the right political notes, Trump delighted his audience by performing a number of the Motor City Madman’s hits. The president performed his versions of Nugent classics such as Stranglehold, Free-For-All, Dog Eat Dog, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Stormtroopin’, Wango Tango, and Cat Scratch Fever. Details are sketchy as to whether Uncle Ted…

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Dems Worry Trump Exoneration May Set Up 3-Tiered Justice System

WASHINGTON – Leading Democrats, as well as leading Democratic mouthpieces in the media, are worried that an exoneration of President Trump in the Mueller Report may set up a dreaded 3-tiered justice system in America. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler, “Nads” for short (the guy’s only 5′ 4″), explained his Party’s worry about the president’s vindication in the Russian collusion investigation. “Right now, we have a 2-tiered justice system. We have one for Hillary Clinton and her people, and one for everybody else.” “If Robert Mueller doesn’t indict President…

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Pretend Scientist and Pretend Sane Person Meet At SXSW

AUSTIN – In a fairy tale meeting at this year’s SXSW event, a man who pretends to be a climate expert and a woman who pretends to be a sane person – as well as a climate expert – got together to showcase their stupidity. Bill Nye the Science? Guy, and socialist darling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dazzled a SXSW crowd with apocalyptic stories about climate change and how, together, they could combine their powers to save the world. Wonder Twin powers, activate! “She blinded me with science!” Nye exclaimed after hearing…

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Ghostbusters Called To CPAC To Eradicate Ghost of John McCain

NATIONAL HARBOR – At the 2019 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) yesterday, guest speaker Michelle Malkin summoned the ghost of John McCain. Malkin wanted to rid the Party of McCain’s lingering presence. Attendees also wanted no part of that specter and quickly called in the original Ghostbusters. Cause….who else ya gonna call? Peter Venkman, Winston Zeddemore, and Ray Stantz quickly showed up to deal with the situation. Ghostbuster Egon Spengler was with them in spirit. As the three discussed crossing the streams to dispose of the ghost of John McCain…

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Democrats: Cohen Testimony Gave Us A Lot To Daydream About

WASHINGTON – Not having a firm grasp on reality anyway, congressional Democrats were satisfied with testimony they heard from former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen this week. Most agreed that his version of lies about the president “gave them a lot to daydream about.” Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) commented, “Mr. Cohen bolstered my imagined perception that the president is a racist and bigot, and that I’m not. That’s how I choose to see things. Like with the Russian collusion, just because it’s a hoax, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me happy…

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