For Xmas, Stacey Abrams Received Ballot Printing Machine – Georgia Runoff Edition

ballot printing

GEORGIA – The imaginary governor of Georgia, Stacey Abrams, got just what she asked Santa Claus for this Christmas. A brand new ballot printing machine was waiting under her tree! “I couldn’t believe it!” an excited Abrams shouted. “It was the number one item on my list. I think every card-carrying Democrat should have one. It’ll make all future election fraud so much easier.” Stacey said the machine was about the size of an Easy Bake Oven, but she planned to have it running 24 hours a day – right…

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Chris Christie Refuses To Rule Out Running/Losing Again In 2024

NEW JERSEY – Former Gov. Chris Christie left the double-wide French doors open to running for president again in 2024. He said he wouldn’t rule out running, and losing again, even against President Trump. “President Trump is a meanie. He hurt my feelers. So now, I come out against everything he does,” Christie told reporters. If Donald does decide to run in 2024, I’ll be there to suck a bunch of the air out of the room.” The former governor explained that because he sucks, it just makes sense for…

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Biden: Georgia Runoff Wins Would Allow Dems To Control All Space, Matter

Georgia

GEORGIA – Joe Biden coughed out a statement about the upcoming Georgia senate runoff races on Monday. He reminded supporters that with wins in both races, Democrats would control everything. “Let me be clear, which is more than I can say for my throat,” Biden said through a web of phlegm in his mouth, “We can control all space and matter if we play this right, folks. If you get out there and vote and cheat like only Georgians can, we’ll control it all!” Joe hocked a loogie and continued,…

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SCOTUS Rules ‘This Whole Constitution Thing Has Been Done To Death’

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court ruled Friday afternoon that following the Constitution has run its course. A majority of justices, including so-called “conservative” justices, decided that voter fraud in US elections is no big deal. Chief Justice John Roberts declared, “This whole following the Constitution thing has been done to death. So Democrats cheated with mail-in ballots and rigged voting machines? If Texas doesn’t like that, they should cheat harder next time. I thought they did everything bigger in Texas anyway?” New justice Amy Coney Barrett said, “I didn’t feel…

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DJ Fauci Pimps New Holiday Album ‘Masky Christmas’

The mainstream media’s favorite doctor on all things coronavirus is Dr. Anthony Fauci. With his scratchy voice, he can do no wrong in their eyes. So this Christmas, the doc has decided to capitalize on his fame by releasing a Christmas album. Fauci remixes beloved Christmas songs to entertain us during these trying times. He spins under the name DJ Fauci, and has made public his double-album track list just in time for next Tuesday’s release date. The DJ samples everybody from Tony Bennett to Eartha Kitt to Dean Martin…

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Joe Biden Files Restraining Order Against The Kraken

Kraken

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden is getting nervous about a monster called “The Kraken.” He’s nervous that the creature may derail his attempts to get into the White House again. In fact, he’s so nervous that he’s filed a restraining order in federal court against the beast. “That lawyer, Sidney Powell, has threatened to release the Kraken on me,” Biden told reporters. “That freaks me out, man. Have you seen this thing? I watched a fascinating movie from the ’80’s the other day. Clash of the Titans, I believe it was.…

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Oregon Governor Urges Citizens To Call Police If Host’s Dressing Is Too Dry

Oregon governor

SALEM – Oregon Governor Kate Brown is commanding subjects in her Kingdom of Oregon to snitch on each other this Thanksgiving. She wants all peasants to focus on the real meaning of the holiday. “Thanksgiving should be all about giving thanks that I’m your governor,” Brown said today. “For without me, you wouldn’t know how to celebrate this festive time. That’s why I’m dictating how many of you can gather in one place. However, I still want you to enjoy your holiday meal. And that’s why I’m urging all of…

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Members Of Antifa Already Showing Signs Of Trump Withdrawal

Trump withdrawal

PORTLAND – While the presidential election is still not certified, President Trump faces an uphill fight to prove voter fraud charges. For Democrats, they’re already living in a world with Joe Biden in charge. But life will not be all rainbows and unicorns for those on the left. Doctors nationwide are already reporting a spike in Trump Withdrawal Symptoms (TWS). TWS is a condition found in those suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS), for which there is no cure. Dr. Paul Bennett, who has a practice in Portland, said, “I’m…

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AOC Promoting Genocide Of Turkeys With Covid Thanksgiving Plans

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is promoting genocide on turkeys, and using Covid-19 as her cover. The Democrat plans to have Thanksgiving dinner over Zoom with remote members of her family. In a tweet, AOC said she and her whole family would cook from the same recipes separately, and then eat together over Zoom. Her reason is because of the coronavirus, this will keep the family from gathering together. The problem is that now her family will require multiple turkeys for their meal, rather than just one. “There’s 8 of…

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Big Pharma Working On Voter Fraud Vaccine For Democrat Activists

big pharma

PHILADELPHIA – There’s a cancer in our election process, and it’s called Voter Fraud. The main carriers of this disease are Democratic operatives and activists. Symptoms include ballot stuffing in the middle of the night and prematurely referring to one’s favored candidate as “president-elect.” It’s a nasty, disgusting condition. And now, several big pharmaceutical companies are joining efforts to develop a vaccine to treat voter fraud. Pfizer is having good results with a possible coronavirus vaccine, so researchers are turning their attention to curing voter fraud. One big pharma researcher…

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