News Anchors Can’t Pronounce Name ‘Tara Reade,’ Working With Speech Therapists For Help

Tara

NEW YORK – In an incredible coincidence, all news anchors for the major networks, CNN, and MSNBC, admit they’re unable to pronounce the name ‘Tara Reade.’ Reade is the woman who has accused Democrat Joe Biden of sexual assault in the 1990’s. According to Media Matters, it’s some kind of fluke that Fox News anchors have no trouble pronouncing the name. “We can’t explain this one,” the Leftist news company said. They noted that neither Chuck Todd, George Stephanopoulis, Jake Tapper, Anderson Cooper, Joe Scarborough, Rachel Maddow, Lester Holt, Nora…

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Lysol Enlists Bill Engvall To Give Liberals Their Signs, Warn Them Not To Inject Disinfectants

disinfectants

ENGLAND – The maker of Lysol disinfecting products is having to remind liberals on Twitter not to take their cleaning products internally. The move came after President Trump made an off-the-cuff remark about disinfectants possibly being something that could kill the coronavirus. Conservative and independent Americans did not freak out over the president’s comments. They know better than to inject a disinfectant into their bodies. But progressives in the States are not as bright as their counterparts. They ran to social media to insist the American president was telling people…

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Obama Unsure Whether Climate Change Models Or Coronavirus Models Are More Wrong

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – It’s Earth Day, so Barack Obama emerged just long enough to make his obligatory comments about the dangers of climate change. The former president released a statement saying climate change would be more devastating to the world than the coronavirus. Each year, Obama picks a different boogeyman to pit against the coming doom of climate change. And climate change always wins. Always. However, he wasn’t sure which models were more incorrect. Are climate change models more wrong than coronavirus models? “That’s difficult to answer. Both have been…

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West Texas Light Sweet Crude Oil Crashes, Other Flavors Remain Popular

MIDLAND – Futures for West Texas intermediate (WTI) light sweet crude oil plummeted to all-time low prices this week, shocking consumers around the world. However, even though the benchmark commodity is taking a serious hit at the moment, other flavors of oil remain extremely popular. For instance, futures for WTI Light Sweet & Tangy crude oil actually surged during the same time period. As did WTI’s Light Sweet w/Habanero crude, Light Sweet Crude Oil & Vinegar, and Light Sweet Dijon Vinaigrette crude. A spokesman from Pioneer Natural Resources explained that,…

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Nancy Pelosi Uses ‘Dear Santa…’ To Begin Draft Of Next Virus Relief Bill

WASHINGTON – “Dear Santa, we’ve been good little Communists this year. And last year. And the year before that…” is how Nancy Pelosi began the draft of her party’s next coronavirus relief bill. “Please bring us as much pork as you can from our latest wish list.” Pelosi went on to ask Santa for untold billions for ridiculous items. Many of which have nothing to do with Americans that are dealing with the economic blow dealt by the virus. One of the things she asked for was “a pair of…

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With Mask Shortage, AOC Confused Over Why No Run On Masking Tape

masking

WASHINGTON – As she made margaritas in her swanky apartment, Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wondered aloud about many things to her Instagram audience. Each one more stupid than the previous one. Finally, she got to a subject that she said has puzzled her throughout the current coronavirus pandemic. “Like, people are going nuts over toilet paper. I get that. Makes perfect sense to me. But, like, why has there not been a run on masking tape?” AOC asked. “We have a national mask shortage. People are starting to make their own…

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Barack Obama Says He Would Have Talked Coronavirus To Death By Now

talked to death

NEW YORK – Former President Barack Obama emerged from his life of luxury today, just long enough to criticize President’s Trump handling of the current pandemic. He chastised Trump for his travel bans, inability to stop the pandemic in its tracks, and not taking China at its word. “If Joe (Biden) and I were still in office, I would have bowed to the Chinese leaders numerous times – even if they weren’t telling us the truth about the disease – and I certainly think I could have talked the coronavirus…

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