Month: June 2020

Biden Touts Latest CNN Poll Showing Him Leading Trump By 120 Million Percent

E. Williams
120 million

PENNSYLVANIA – Democrat presidential hopeful Joe Biden feels good about his chances to win the White House this fall. The Grand Wizard of the Democratic party poked his head out of his basement, saw his shadow, and predicted six more months of gaffes and/or incomplete thoughts or sentences. However, during his brief appearance outside, Biden touted the latest CNN poll, which shows him with a commanding 120 million percent lead over President Trump. “Have you folks seen this? CNN has crunched the numbers and tell me that I lead in…

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NASCAR Driver Bubba Wallace Insists Snow Cone Cups In Lounge Are KKK Hoods

E. Williams
Bubba

TALLADEGA – The controversy of the “noose” in the garage of NASCAR driver Bubba Wallace continues. Even as 15 FBI agents came to the conclusion that the alleged noose was simply a garage door pull, Wallace insists he is the target of a crime. Bubba appeared on Don Lemon’s show on CNN last night and, since nobody watched it, here is a summary of Wallace’s version of recent events. Lemon: This is unacceptable in our country. Do we know yet if President Trump personally placed the rope in your team’s…

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Seattle’s CHOP: If We Really Focus, We Can Beat Chicago In Shooting Deaths

E. Williams
CHOP

CHOP, CHOP – All is not well in Utopia. CHOP (Capitol Hill Occupied Blah Blah Blah) had multiple shootings over the weekend. One person is dead and several more have serious injuries. It’s a surprising development for anybody that’s not conservative. The upstart territory of anarchists and socialists was supposed to be all rainbows and unicorns. But already CHOP leaders say they’re embarrassed. This is not the way they envisioned their little experiment going. “The headlines about the number of shootings over the weekend in Chicago was a real wake-up…

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Trans Character ‘Aunt Jeremiah’ To Replace Aunt Jemima Likeness, Appease Rage Mob

E. Williams

PHILADELPHIA – The suits at Pepsico/Quaker Foods have cowered to the rage mob of the American Left. The company makes Aunt Jemima products, and has decided to bow to pressure from Black Lives Matter (BLM) and other extremists by replacing the iconic mascot. The likeness of a former slave has been used on the product line for over a century. “We’ve decided to go with ‘Aunt Jeremiah’ as our new mascot for the product line,” a company spokesman said. “Jeremiah is a character who has completed their transition from uncle…

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Statues Have Had It With Leftist Thugs, Statuephobic Anarchists

E. Williams

AMERICA – Statues are under attack around the world from the intolerant Left. However, as more and more of their inanimate friends get torn down, or defaced with paint, statues are starting to stand up for themselves. Statues, even some that have stood in peace for hundreds of years, are being assaulted by psychotic thugs who have developed statuephobia. According to the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, the disorder is “an irrational fear of historical figures that can’t fight back.” It falls under the umbrella of conditions caused by the mental…

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President Trump Issues Travel Ban For All Flights In And Out Of CHAZ

E. Williams
chaz

CHAZ, UTOPIA – It’s called CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone). It’s the new capital of Utopia. If you’re progressive, and you have more than one can of spray paint, it’s the new place to be. A land with no laws, no police, and no common sense. But all is not perfect behind the walls of CHAZ. The ‘Liberal Heaven’ is only six city blocks wide. To flourish, CHAZ will need tourism, trade policy, and more graffiti artists. The problem? President Trump has issued a new travel ban for all flights…

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Police Offer To Use Marshmallows Instead Of Beanbags As Ammo, BLM Says No, Because They’re White

E. Williams

AUSTIN – The Austin Police Department has been discussing new methods of riot control with the City Council. The Council has made it clear that they want all uses of force by police to be outlawed in the near future. The city has already demanded that police cease using beanbags as ammo during riots or protests. Jokingly, the Chief of Police suggested his officers swap beanbags for marshmallows when shooting to subdue lawbreakers. Austin Mayor Steve Adler took the idea to council members and local leaders of the Black Lives…

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Nancy Pelosi Intros New ‘I’m Kneeling, And I Can’t Get Up!’ Life Alert System

E. Williams
kneeling

WASHINGTON – What do you get the aging, white, career politician in your life who needs to bend the knee to the rage mob? Do you need to take a knee to convey how woke you are? Are you begging for votes this November? Well, the Speaker of the House has just what you need. Introducing the “I’m kneeling…..and I can’t get up!” medical alert system. This week, Nancy Pelosi showed off her new product in the Pander Collection from Life Alert. The discreet device can be used to call…

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Minneapolis Leaders Introduce ‘What Can Possibly Go Wrong?’ Bill To Eliminate Police

E. Williams

MINNESOTA – Calling it the ‘What Can Possibly Go Wrong?’ crime bill, Minneapolis council members have introduced a proposal that would eliminate their city’s police force. The title of the bill was chosen over ‘Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater’ in the bill’s final draft. The city is considering various options for the replacement of a police force. Some members of the council are advocating for roaming thugs to police neighborhoods. Others are suggesting having a diverse force that would look something like the cast of characters from Police…

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Officials Announce New ‘Social Justice Distancing’ Rules For Woke Protesters

E. Williams
social justice distancing

SEATTLE – We’re all familiar with ‘social distancing’ guidelines. Now, there are also ‘social justice distancing’ guidelines for the woke among us. City leaders here have outlined new rules for progressive protesters and looters, to keep them safe in the Covid-19 age. According to a press release on Friday, “If you’re around people in normal situations, the 6′ distance is still optimal between you and others. However, liberal scientists have told us that tests reveal the coronavirus doesn’t spread as easily when faced with social justice. If you’re a woke…

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