Antifa, BLM Now Offering Foes Free Escorts To Parking Lots, Hotels

Rand

WASHINGTON D.C. – Thanks to Antifa and Black Lives Matter (BLM), protesters have a horrible public image. To counter this, the groups have started offering free escorts to their political enemies when they’re out in public. The escorts will be providing members of the American right with free harassment, verbal assaults, physical intimidation, and possible bloodshed as they try to get to their cars or hotels safely. Senator Rand Paul recently tried out the service while out with his wife. “I had no idea they were offering this level of…

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Biden Addresses Riots After Just Hearing About Them From CNN’s Don Lemon

riots

DELAWARE – THIS…is CNN. The network broke news to Democrats last night of the riots, looting, and violence taking place across the country. The anti-police violence in Portland, Seattle, Austin, Chicago, and other cities has been happening for three months already. Now, add Kenosha, Wisconsin. CNN’s Don Lemon broke the news to Democrat Joe Biden. “Our focus groups tell us that a majority of Americans can see with their own eyes what we choose to ignore. Apparently, nightly riots that have resulted in bloodshed, death, and the burning down of…

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Kamala Harris Hosts DNC Hollywood Squares, ‘Deranged Democrat’ Edition

DELAWARE – To liven up a boring Democratic National Convention, VP-nominee Kamala Harris hosted a version of the iconic Hollywood Squares game show last night. It’s been dubbed the ‘Deranged Democrat‘ edition of the show. As host, Harris asked deranged Democrats various questions about what makes America such a terrible place. Contestants pressed a button that illuminated their square with a colored circle, the color depending on the order they buzzed in. The enthusiasm was so weak for the show that some of the contestants were duplicated to fill out…

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Convention: Obama Tells Dems Nation Ready For First ‘Cognitively-Challenged’ President

cognitively-challenged

DELAWARE – Former President Barack Obama knows something about making history. He became the country’s first black president. He also became the country’s first president to attempt a coup of an incoming president – by using his own administration to carry it out. Tonight, Obama told Democrats in his convention speech that it’s time to make history again. “I believe America is ready to check another box in 2020. It’s time the Democratic Party take the bold step to elect the first ‘cognitively-challenged’ president in our nation’s history.” During one…

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Dem Convention Emcee Eva Longoria: Last 4 Years Has Left My Hair Diminished, Divided

MILWAUKEE – The gloomy Democrats kicked off their convention Monday night. The virtual event’s emcee was former Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria. And the actress wasted no time in attacking President Trump. “The past few months have tested us all,” Longoria began. “It’s been tougher for some of us than for others. But it isn’t just the past few months. The past four years has left my hair diminished and divided. When will this national nightmare end?” Eva recounted how living under an oppressive Trump administration has affected the graying…

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Birther Theories Solved: CNN Confirms Kamala Harris Was Birthed

NEW YORK – The controversy over whether Kamala Harris is eligible to be Joe Biden’s running mate appears to be solved. Due to her mixed heritage, birther theories have exploded on social media. Now, CNN has weighed in on the controversy and, like Kamala, is trying to but the matter to bed. The network’s Don Lemon confirmed Friday night that the crack research team at CNN has determined that Kamala Harris was indeed birthed. “There should be no doubt now that these baseless birther theories are pure conjecture,” Lemon told…

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Hillary Clinton Lauds Kamala’s Unlikeable Factor, Reminds Me Of Me

NEW YORK – Former presidential loser Hillary Clinton heaped praise on Joe Biden’s pick to be his VP. Clinton thought Biden’s pick of Kamala Harris was inspiring. “She’s every bit as unlikeable as I am,” Clinton quipped. “She reminds me of me! And there’s nothing better than that in my eyes,” Hillary continued. “She’s full of herself, over confident, aloof, condescending, and really knows how to play those victim cards that we (Democrats) use so frequently. I like to refer to her as Kamala Obama. But she’s really Hillary 2.0,”…

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Joe Biden Said To Be Elated After Kamala Harris Picks Him To Be Her VP

VP

DELAWARE – From deep within his own basement, Democrat Joe Biden is beaming with joy. The former vice-president is said to be elated after receiving news yesterday that he’d been chosen to be Kamala Harris’ VP. “This is great!” a grinning from ear-to-ear Biden said. “My wife Jill tried to tell me that I was the one who had chosen Kamala to be my running mate, but she was just messin’ with me. Can you imagine the thought of me at the top of the ticket?!” (Laughing wildly) “I can’t…

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Portland Antifa Riot After Someone Forgot To Bring The S’mores

Portland

PORTLAND – Members of the local antifa chapter raged again this weekend, but for a different reason than the previous 70 nights. One of their own forgot to bring the makings for s’mores to their overnight temper tantrum, setting off a firestorm of violence outside the city’s Police Department. “How can we keep up our energy to riot without marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers? There’s no way!” shouted a leader of the group. “We’ve got these wonderful fires going….but nothing to make s’mores with?! So we’re just standing around these…

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