For Xmas, Stacey Abrams Received Ballot Printing Machine – Georgia Runoff Edition

ballot printing

GEORGIA – The imaginary governor of Georgia, Stacey Abrams, got just what she asked Santa Claus for this Christmas. A brand new ballot printing machine was waiting under her tree! “I couldn’t believe it!” an excited Abrams shouted. “It was the number one item on my list. I think every card-carrying Democrat should have one. It’ll make all future election fraud so much easier.” Stacey said the machine was about the size of an Easy Bake Oven, but she planned to have it running 24 hours a day – right…

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Chris Christie Refuses To Rule Out Running/Losing Again In 2024

NEW JERSEY – Former Gov. Chris Christie left the double-wide French doors open to running for president again in 2024. He said he wouldn’t rule out running, and losing again, even against President Trump. “President Trump is a meanie. He hurt my feelers. So now, I come out against everything he does,” Christie told reporters. If Donald does decide to run in 2024, I’ll be there to suck a bunch of the air out of the room.” The former governor explained that because he sucks, it just makes sense for…

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Biden: Georgia Runoff Wins Would Allow Dems To Control All Space, Matter

Georgia

GEORGIA – Joe Biden coughed out a statement about the upcoming Georgia senate runoff races on Monday. He reminded supporters that with wins in both races, Democrats would control everything. “Let me be clear, which is more than I can say for my throat,” Biden said through a web of phlegm in his mouth, “We can control all space and matter if we play this right, folks. If you get out there and vote and cheat like only Georgians can, we’ll control it all!” Joe hocked a loogie and continued,…

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SCOTUS Rules ‘This Whole Constitution Thing Has Been Done To Death’

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court ruled Friday afternoon that following the Constitution has run its course. A majority of justices, including so-called “conservative” justices, decided that voter fraud in US elections is no big deal. Chief Justice John Roberts declared, “This whole following the Constitution thing has been done to death. So Democrats cheated with mail-in ballots and rigged voting machines? If Texas doesn’t like that, they should cheat harder next time. I thought they did everything bigger in Texas anyway?” New justice Amy Coney Barrett said, “I didn’t feel…

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DJ Fauci Pimps New Holiday Album ‘Masky Christmas’

The mainstream media’s favorite doctor on all things coronavirus is Dr. Anthony Fauci. With his scratchy voice, he can do no wrong in their eyes. So this Christmas, the doc has decided to capitalize on his fame by releasing a Christmas album. Fauci remixes beloved Christmas songs to entertain us during these trying times. He spins under the name DJ Fauci, and has made public his double-album track list just in time for next Tuesday’s release date. The DJ samples everybody from Tony Bennett to Eartha Kitt to Dean Martin…

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