Louisianans Grateful Biden Not Calling Shots For Hurricane Ida Evacuations

Hurricane Ida

BATON ROUGE – Millions of residents across the state will thankfully survive the incoming wrath of Hurricane Ida. And after his Afghanistan disaster, most of those Louisianans are thanking God that Joke Biden isn’t overseeing evacuation plans. The president commented on the storm preparations today. “Nobody asked me for help, which is strange,” Biden told reporters. “I would encourage the fine people of Louisiana to shelter in place until the hurricane passes, and THEN I would urge them to get to safety. Some will tell you that’s backwards, but that…

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Biden Variant Responsible For Spike In Death Rates In Afghanistan

Biden variant

KABUL – A new strain of COVID-19 is currently wreaking havoc across Afghanistan. The Biden Variant is the latest version of the CoroNoDontBlameUs virus, which has resulted in a sharp spike in innocent deaths in the region. The Biden Variant was engineered by woke military leaders, and released on the world by US President Joke Biden. It’s a hideous disease. The administration combined incompetence, arrogance, corruption, indifference and stupidity to tweak the latest strain. The Biden Variant was then given to terrorists to serve as carriers of the virus. In…

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Jen Psaki Issues Preferred Descriptors For Those Stranded In Afghanistan

stranded

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesgal Jen Psaki takes issue with the term “stranded” when it comes to Americans stranded in Afghanistan. Because being stranded is not nearly as scary if you don’t define yourself as stranded. Personally, Psaki’s preferred descriptor is “hopelessly delayed.” When those at the Kabul Airport heard this news, they were relieved. Many were said to be less fearful of a torturous death at the hands of the “Tollybon” after hearing Psaki’s new definitions. Jen got her panties twisted when FNC’s Peter Doocy called stranded Americans ‘stranded.’ “These…

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Biden Heads Home To Head Off Taliban Takeover Of Delaware

Taliban takeover

WILMINGTON – President Joke Biden announced today that intelligence officials informed him Taliban fighters are overrunning the state of Delaware. Hearing the news, the president left DC for the state as soon as he finished briefing the country on the mess in Afghanistan. “Those who are saying I’m returning to Delaware for vacation don’t get the intel briefings I get,” Biden angrily told reporters. “I understand these are difficult times in Afghanistan. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow the Tollybon to take Dover! Let’s go, we’re burning…

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Joke Biden Thankful No One Has Questions About His Handling Of Afghanistan Crisis

Afghanistan crisis

WASHINGTON – US President Joke Biden is a grateful man this week. During an interview with George Stephanopoulos, the president reflected on some of the things that surprised him this past week. “George, I was surprised to learn the Tollybon were still a thing in Afghanistan. I was surprised that some think I’m responsible for people who live in that god-forsaken land. But what surprised me the most, is that no one has had any questions for me regarding this whole Afghanistan crisis. I mean, you’re the first one to…

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Kamala Harris Returns After Presenting Keys To Afghanistan To Taliban Leaders

keys to Afghanistan

WASHINGTON – Vice President Kamala Harris triumphantly returned from Afghanistan today, where she presented the keys to the country to leaders of the Taliban. The informal ceremony is being hailed as another foreign policy victory by spokesgal Jen Psaki. “Last night, VP Harris tossed oversized keys from a low-flying aircraft as it flew over a complex housing Taliban leadership. The large keys are merely a symbol and will not fit any actual locks anywhere in Afghanistan. I want to make that very clear to media outlets, just so there is…

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Andrew Cuomo: Don’t Want To Live In World Where Random Groping Is Not Appreciated

NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo has had enough. Enough with having to try to live in a normal society. Enough with chicks not understanding how wonderful he is. And enough of women not appreciating his random groping. So, he’s quitting as governor. He told his subjects: “I love my state. I love the people of New York. And by love, I mean I want to have sex with them. But if this is now going to be a world where random groping is frowned upon…that’s a society I don’t…

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CNN’s Chris Cuomo Insists He Doesn’t Have Any Brothers

Cuomo brothers

NEW YORK – CNN anchor Chris “Fredo” Cuomo has become tangled in scandal. The cocky TV host has been tied to brother Andrew Cuomo’s sex scandal. However, in typical CNN spin fashion, Chris now claims that he’s never had any brothers. Talking to the only ‘brother’ he claims to be close to, anchor Don Lemon, Cuomo said, “Don, you know me. We go way back. I’ve always had your back, no matter how bizarre or racist your takes have always been, haven’t I?” “Yes you have, brother,” Lemon responded. “People…

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Andrew Cuomo Sorry All Women Don’t Realize He’s God’s Gift To Them

NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo is very sorry he’s having to defend himself. He’s sorry that random groping, kissing and touching are frowned upon in today’s society. But he’s sorry most of all that all women don’t realize that he’s God’s gift to them. In a very. Slow and. Monotone voice, he defended himself against sexual abuse allegations made by 11 women who’ve worked for him. Reading from a prepared statement, Cuomo said, “I don’t understand….how these women…don’t get what a big deal…I am. Being groped, fondled, or kissed…

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