Making Ends: Chris Cuomo Forced To Hawk Fitness Videos In Wake Of CNN Suspension

suspension

NEW YORK – CNN has wisely suspended anchor Chris Cuomo. The network admits this is the first thing they’ve done right in decades. Cuomo was busted for trying to use media contacts to dig up dirt on his brother’s sexual assault victims. So how does a cocky bro make ends meet after being suspended? Cuomo says he will hawk many of the thousands of fitness pics and workout videos he’s made of himself over the years. “Fredo,” as he’s better known, has a few fans, but none bigger than himself.…

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Beto: Skateboards More Acceptable Weapons Than AR-15’s For Self Defense

skateboards

TEXAS – Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, the Democrat on a losing streak, wants to be Governor of Texas. The #1 issue he’s running on is taking everybody’s AR-15’s away. That should go over really well in Texas. But he believes he has the answer. “Look at that Huber guy in Kenosha, the one who hit Kyle Rittenhouse over the head with his skateboard. That’s the way to do it. You can do serious damage, and it’s also your getaway vehicle,” he told a small campaign audience. “Unfortunately, that dude wasn’t…

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Americans Liken Kamala Harris 1-Hour Presidency To Getting A Colonoscopy

colonoscopy

ALL 57 STATES – President Joe Biden had a colonoscopy today. That meant that for about an hour, while he was under general anesthesia, America’s worst nightmare came true. VP Kamala Harris briefly became president during his procedure. As he went under, doctors instructed Biden to say “Let’s Go, Brandon” backwards three times. Harris became the first Indian-Jamaican, unlikeable female to ever hold the American presidency during a colonoscopy. It’s a monumental achievement for those who worship at the altar of identity politics. Democrats should be very proud. Ironically though,…

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2024 Favoritism? WH Tells Kamala That Buttigieg Gayness Trumps Her Vagina

favoritism

WASHINGTON – Inside the beltway, Democrat Pete Buttigieg is getting a lot of buzz as a presidential front-runner in 2024. However, VP Kamala Harris is upset, thinking she would assume the crown by that time. She’s crying favoritism. Fortunately, the White House has provided some clarity on the issue. According to Biden aides, Buttigieg’s gayness may trump the VP’s possession of a vagina. “Look, the vice president checks a number of boxes for Democrats,” one aide said. “She’s mixed-race, female, and unlikeable. And it would be foolish to ignore the…

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As Biden Fails, Numbers In LGBFJB+ Community Swells To Record Levels

LGBFJB+

AMERICA – President Biden sucks, most of us can agree on that. His extreme suckage has even created a new social class. The LGBFJB+ (Let’s Go Brandon F*ck Joe Biden+) community is growing exponentially. Sports fans across the country sing his praises during games. LGBFJB+ has begun appearing on t-shirts, signs, etc. everywhere. People want to feel they’re part of something. So, as the president continues to overreach and intrude more into our lives, those who realize how bad he sucks needed a unified voice. The + at the end…

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Biden On Napping Through Climate Summit: They Can’t See Me Sleeping If My Eyes Are Closed

napping

GLASGOW – American President Joe Biden was photographed sleeping during the climate summit this week in Scotland. Fortunately, his mask concealed his drooling during these multiple naps. The White House immediately went into full spin control. Biden himself was overheard telling an aide, “They can’t see me sleeping if my eyes are closed. That’s right, man. I’m always one step ahead of ’em.” And the media was ready to offer their defense for why it ‘may have appeared as though the president was momentarily resting his eyes.’ NBC News said,…

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