WASHINGTON – Inside the beltway, Democrat Pete Buttigieg is getting a lot of buzz as a presidential front-runner in 2024. However, VP Kamala Harris is upset, thinking she would assume the crown by that time. She’s crying favoritism. Fortunately, the White House has provided some clarity on the issue.
According to Biden aides, Buttigieg’s gayness may trump the VP’s possession of a vagina. “Look, the vice president checks a number of boxes for Democrats,” one aide said. “She’s mixed-race, female, and unlikeable. And it would be foolish to ignore the fact that her vagina pulled in votes for the president in the last election. Obviously, we’d love to be the party that elects the first woman president.”
It sounds like the stars have aligned for Her HOlyness, Kamala’s nickname among Biden aides. “But then you think about the possibility of Mayor Pete being our first gay president, and it’s almost too much to bear! It’s not favoritism. I mean, even though Pete is a new mother who’s been on paternity leave, his gayness checks one of our biggest boxes,” the aide concluded.
Other White House staff members seemed to agree with the sentiment. According to numerous insiders we spoke with, Democrats are hoping for the following candidates to represent them as president: 2024 – first gay human, 2028 – first female, 2032 – first transgender*, 2036 – first extraterrestrial.*
* – denotes these possibilities exist only if climate change doesn’t make America uninhabitable by dates listed.