Adam Schiff’s Eyes Deemed Existential Threat To TV Viewers

ATLANTA – Researchers at the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) are warning those who attempt to watch the Senate impeachment trial. Beware, your sanity could be at risk. Scientists say Congressman Adam Schiff’s eyes are an existential threat to viewers.

“We want to especially warn millennials, those susceptible to hypnosis, and other young Democrats,” Dr. Roy Stanton explained. “Mr. Schiff has already spoken for many hours in the opening days of the impeachment trial. Already, reports are coming in from across the country that liberal viewers are being lulled into a trance-like state after as little as 10 minutes of watching him talk.

“As Schiff drones on with his conspiracies about the president, brain cells diminish and IQ’s plummet. Many of these people can’t afford to lose much of what they already have. If you’re someone who’s, say, bought into the global warming hysteria, you’re extremely vulnerable to believing the crap coming out of Schiff’s mouth.”

“My opening statements are meant to be, at least in part, a parody.”

Dr. Stanton further stated, “We don’t want to alarm the public, but Schiff’s eyes are seen as an existential threat. A bigger threat to our country at this time than the Chinese coronavirus. Our research has concluded that people watching Schiff on TV should treat it the same as looking at the sun – don’t stare at it.”

The doctor’s concerns have been observed on liberal Twitter. Judging by comments made there, after staring too long into Schiff’s eyes, millions of gullible lefties are being lulled into a false hope that the president will be removed from office.

Remarkably, conservatives are immune to Schiff’s eyes. They possess a natural defense mechanism that allows them to turn the TV off whenever he gets in front of a camera.


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