AG Sessions Unveils “Snitches Get Stitches” Policy To Stop Leaks


WASHINGTON – Persistent leaks within the Trump administration continue to be a thorn in the side of the president’s agenda getting implemented. So today, Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference to warn would-be leakers that his team is now bringing down the hammer on such activities.

“We’re here today to announce our ‘Snitches Get Stitches’ policy toward those who would attempt to leak sensitive information to the press, in hopes of damaging the president, his administration, or his agenda. In short, I’ll now cut a bitch if I find out they’ve been leaking,” the AG said.

“This is a serious problem, and going forward, we will bust yo ass.” Sessions is small in stature, but he sure appeared to mean business today. The attorney general even had a doctor standing behind him during the announcement, implying that the doc was on hand to administer stitches at a moments notice.

Many of the alleged snitches are Obama administration holdovers, but some are believed to have come from within the West Wing itself. Sessions reminded everyone that leaks to the press create a serious ‘snitchuation’ for the administration, and are illegal.

The AG finished the presser with one final warning to those in the deep state who may be planning to leak information and undermine President Trump. “Don’t do it. We’re serious this time. If you don’t believe me, just try it. You’ll have sutures in your futures. Thank you.”




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