Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020.

Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached.

One Biden aide defended their candidate’s health, saying, “Remember, it was Hillary stumbling into that van that sealed the deal for her in 2020 with our base. We’re looking for the same trajectory to catapult Joe to the nomination. In fact, several of my fellow campaign workers are out searching for vans right now.”

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According to Joe: “Chicks dig the red eye.”

The aide added that he thought Biden’s bloody eye look was “pretty gnarly,” and would probably be viewed as “lit as sh*t” by younger voters. I’ve got to be honest, when I first saw that, I was kind of freaked out. I thought he might start shooting lasers out of his eyes next! You never know with Joe.”

A feminist staffer for Biden added, “Can any other candidate pull off blood-filled eyes during a major, televised campaign event? The answer is no.” Of course, the event was televised on CNN, so it really can’t be considered “major” by any stretch of the imagination.

For his part, Biden has told supporters that he’ll gladly submit to being thrown into a waiting van if that’s what it takes to secure the nomination. “I’m brittle, so I hope they go easy on me. I only hope that when the time comes, I can stick the landing.”

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