NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo has had enough. Enough with having to try to live in a normal society. Enough with chicks not understanding how wonderful he is. And enough of women not appreciating his random groping. So, he’s quitting as governor. He told his subjects:
“I love my state. I love the people of New York. And by love, I mean I want to have sex with them. But if this is now going to be a world where random groping is frowned upon…that’s a society I don’t want to live in. If I can’t grope who I want, when I want, then I can’t do my job as governor. So, effective in 14 days, I will begin making unwanted sexual advances toward women as a private citizen.
I will miss you all. It has been the greatest honor of my life to have groped many of you New Yorkers. And to those of you that I didn’t get around to groping, I bet I said some sexually-suggestive things to you that made you uncomfortable. Those are memories I will always treasure. To the brave women who came forward to tell their stories about my inappropriate behavior…I would love the chance to thank each of you in private, and cop a feel one more time.
My hope for the future, is that New Yorkers will return to the days when you could put your hands up a woman’s blouse in the workplace – and not lose your job over it. A return to the innocent times when it was ok to pat an attractive female on the fanny – especially if you’re their boss!
Let me be clear. I am an Italian god. As such, I shouldn’t have to abide by your rules. I need to be able to grope freely, without fear of repercussions. Someday, I hope you’ll come to appreciate that. Thank you.”
***Disclaimer*** Chris Cuomo helped craft the above comments.