NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo is very sorry he’s having to defend himself. He’s sorry that random groping, kissing and touching are frowned upon in today’s society. But he’s sorry most of all that all women don’t realize that he’s God’s gift to them.
In a very. Slow and. Monotone voice, he defended himself against sexual abuse allegations made by 11 women who’ve worked for him. Reading from a prepared statement, Cuomo said, “I don’t understand….how these women…don’t get what a big deal…I am. Being groped, fondled, or kissed by me…..should be the….highlight of these women’s…lives. In addition, I’d like those who….claim I made…unwanted, inappropriate, or suggestive…comments….to understand…that I only do that…..to the ones I like….the most.”
“Furthermore, the fact that….these women….didn’t already know that I (and my brother Fredo…for that matter) are God’s gift to all women….is a mystery….to me. Since that’s the way it is….in my head….I assumed….it was common knowledge. Be that…as it may….their ignorance of that fact….is neither my fault….nor my problem. So, in the words…of my favorite candy…Reese’s…sorry, not sorry.”
Cuomo’s brother Fredo, of CNN fame, would only say that if the governor HAD acted inappropriately, it was only because he was trying to cure the women of covid-19. “My brother only cares about saving the people of New York from this hideous disease. And by that, I mean the coronavirus….not his unwanted sexual advances. If my brother fondled you, it only means he cares.”
When confronted with news that most of the complaints occurred before the pandemic hit, Fredo said, “Now, you’re just muddying the water with facts. This interview is over – or I’ll kick your ass, punk!”