WASHINGTON – In a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the flames of defeat, Democratic impeachment managers are insisting that President Trump would still have to leave office – even in the event of a likely acquittal in his Senate trial.
Democrat House manager Adam Schiff spelled out the logic during his party’s closing arguments. “House manager Mr. Nadler and I have screwed this impeachment inquiry six ways to Sunday. We know that. In fact, I can’t imagine this hearing going more badly unless Senators Mitt Romney and Susan Collins were running it. So it’s no surprise we’re about to fail in our efforts.
“Having said that, even if our colleagues across the aisle vote to acquit the president of his obvious wrongdoing, he would still have to quit his role as President of the United States. That’s what acquittal means. You still have to ‘quit.’ That’s what happened to Nixon. He was advised that even if he wasn’t convicted, he’d still be acquitted. So he quit.”
Jerry Nadler spoke next, saying, “The arguments we’ve put forward against the president have no merit, are laughable, and have no right to be taken seriously by our fellow Republicans. However, this acquittal they’re clamoring for still means the president has to vacate his office. That’s what ‘ac-quit-tal’ means. It’s right there. You can’t not see that. Thank you.”
House manager Val Deming sealed the argument for Democrats. “Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez reminded me in a phone call late last night that you can’t spell acquittal without q-u-i-t. I can’t spell it out any clearer. She pointed out to me that ‘it’s right there in the middle!’ So, I would say to all Republican senators as they prepare to cast their crucial, final votes….’be careful what you wish for.’ Thank you.”
Constitutional scholar Alan Dershowitz reportedly hasn’t stopped laughing this hard since hearing impeachment advice from the ladies on The View this week.