Angry Prez Lifts Nervous Nation With Platitudes, Delusions and Gibberish

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WASHINGTON – Raising Americans’ spirits during difficult times isn’t easy. Between the virus, inflation, open borders and sky-high crime rates, it’s been a rough year. Sensing the nation needed a pick-me-up, President Joe Biden held a press conference today.

The presser went as smooth as a Biden presser can go. The Prez blew smoke up the nation’s a$$ like only he can. Blending empty platitudes, delusions, and beltway gibberish, Joe wove tall tales about how great his first year as president has gone.

“No nation wants common sense solutions,” Biden whispered. “Everybody I talk to loves paying more for everything. They don’t care that masks are useless, vaccines aren’t long-lasting, and they feel unsafe in their communities. They enjoy seeing empty shelves in stores…because it’s different. They’re happy being told what to do all the time. That’s why I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished since I took office.”

The president referenced his personal motto of ‘overpromising and under-delivering’ as the reason for his success. “That creed has served me well these past 40+ years in public service.” The only awkward moments of the speech came when Joe broke both of his arms from patting himself on the back non-stop. Combined with the covid albatross hanging from his neck, the Prez looked weak and flustered.

The Prez admitted the nation is exhausted from covid, but assured us that ‘we’re in a better place.’ He said he still hopes pieces of his BBB plan can pass. “I call it Build Back Better Bits. You gotta stay with the ‘B’ theme.”

Asked about his biggest regret, squinting Joe said, “If the Senate doesn’t pass my voting rights thing, I worry about the hydration levels of voters waiting in lines on Election Day. Republicans don’t want us to pass out water to voters. You don’t make good decisions if you’re dehydrated! The late John Lewis knew this. He wanted voters to be hydrated. It’s not about us cheating in elections…it’s about the water. I hope we can honor him by trashing the filibuster and sneaking that bill through.”

* Shortly after finishing his speech, Republicans successfully blocked Biden’s Voter Hydration bill.

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