WASHINGTON D.C. – Thanks to Antifa and Black Lives Matter (BLM), protesters have a horrible public image. To counter this, the groups have started offering free escorts to their political enemies when they’re out in public.
The escorts will be providing members of the American right with free harassment, verbal assaults, physical intimidation, and possible bloodshed as they try to get to their cars or hotels safely.
Senator Rand Paul recently tried out the service while out with his wife. “I had no idea they were offering this level of service. Not only did they scream ‘Bitch!’ at my wife repeatedly, but they almost knocked us down. They spewed non-stop gibberish in our faces, and we really did fear for our lives…all at no charge! I’ll tell you, it sure livens up a casual walk in the park.”
However, Senator Paul doesn’t think he’d use the service again. “I appreciate the enthusiasm these idiots have, but there’s something to be said for just being able to walk from point A to point B without worrying about being killed. My wife said she feels the same way.”
Patrice Cullers, one of the founders of BLM, said the service has much to offer. “This is a goodwill gesture from us to those we hate and wish would die. It really gets a client’s adrenaline pumping. And it’s free entertainment while you walk to your parking lot or hotel room.
We have rioters who will ride their bikes alongside you and, not only do they shout vile things and threaten you, but they turn circles, or perform figure eight maneuvers as they ride. You don’t even need to make reservations for this service. We come to you – whether you like it or not! And while tips are appreciated, since most of our people don’t work, it’s not necessary. Unless you value getting home in one piece, I mean.”
The new service is currently being tested in several Democrat-run cities. If Donald Trump is reelected, the domestic terror groups plan to roll out the service nationwide in November.