Biden Promises To Rescue Any Americans Stuck In Ukraine With Seal Team Brandon

Seal Team Brandon

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden’s Afghanistan exit last year set the gold standard for evacuation efforts from a war-torn country. He’ll tell you that himself. So, as war seems inevitable between Russia and Ukraine, the time for Americans to get out of Ukraine is now. Acting President Jen Psaki, the one who ultimately tells us what Joe meant to say, explained today. “We are telling all Americans in Ukraine, and their families, to leave Ukraine now. We have no idea how to handle this Russian aggression. But, there is hope. Joe…

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Leftists: Packers Lost Playoff Game Because QB Rodgers’ Wrong Covid Views

Packers

GREEN BAY – The San Francisco 49er’s stunned the Green Bay Packers in a playoff game Saturday night. Packers fans were left wondering what could have been after the loss. What went wrong? Well, non-football-playing leftists took to Twitter as the game ended and set the record straight. American leftists believe that Aaron Rodgers’ anti-vax stance on covid is what ultimately brought the team down. “You know the old saying….Karma is a progressive woman,” tweeted masked Trey Klieber. “And she never forgets. Consider yourself immunized, b****!” Patty Coleman, a college…

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Mars/M & M’s Cave To Critical Candy Theory, Sugar-Coat Changes To Characters

M&M's

VIRGINIA – Mars, Inc. has M&Mbraced wokeness. The makers of M&M’s have fallen victim to Critical Candy Theory (CCT). CCT is an activist-inspired idea that teaches candy makers to not judge an M&M by its color, but rather by the content of its fictional character. The company announced changes to some of the candy’s ‘personalities’ in a bid to appear as woke as possible. Since 1941, the M&M brand has been known by slogans such as “All the World Loves M&M’s,” “Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hand,” and…

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Angry Prez Lifts Nervous Nation With Platitudes, Delusions and Gibberish

prez

WASHINGTON – Raising Americans’ spirits during difficult times isn’t easy. Between the virus, inflation, open borders and sky-high crime rates, it’s been a rough year. Sensing the nation needed a pick-me-up, President Joe Biden held a press conference today. The presser went as smooth as a Biden presser can go. The Prez blew smoke up the nation’s a$$ like only he can. Blending empty platitudes, delusions, and beltway gibberish, Joe wove tall tales about how great his first year as president has gone. “No nation wants common sense solutions,” Biden…

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Biden Visits Dairy Queen To Demand Chain Do Away With FiliBuster

FiliBuster

VIRGINIA – They’re American classics at Dairy Queen – the Hungr-Buster, BeltBuster, and TripleBuster burgers. Joe Biden loves burgers and ice cream, but he’s objecting to one thing he says the chain needs to do away with for the betterment of the country. “I’m here today to plead with my friends at Dairy Queen. I need your help,” the president told patrons. “Look, I’ll confess…I’ve had my share of Hungr-Busters and BeltBusters over the years. They’re quality products. But if we’re to save our democracy, Dairy Queen must get rid…

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Angry Biden Recalls Republicans’ Use Of Lasers, Nukes During Jan. 6 Riot

angry Biden

WASHINGTON – Calling it “a day that will live in infirmary,” an angry Joe Biden reminded Americans of the dire situation that took place one year ago today. He relived the event that shook Nancy Pelosi, AOC and others to their drama queen cores. “Many of us still suffer scars from January 6, 2021,” the angry president said. “It was traumatic for all of us! We all remember watching in horror as the Republican hordes stormed the hallowed halls of Congress in tanks, others carrying lightsabers, or brandishing nuclear weapons!…

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‘Twas The Night Before VaXmas – A Biden Christmas Poem

VaXmas

‘Twas the Night Before VaXmas ‘Twas the night before VaXmas, when in the White House Not a Biden was stirring, except Jill’s inept spouse; Face masks were hung by the chimney with care, As the president readied his next variant scare; The Commies were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of lockdowns danced in their heads; And Jill in her nightie, and I, tired as crap, Had just settled down for my 4th or 5th nap, When then on the news there arose so much chatter, Joe Manchin,…

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Tornado Biden: Worst Destruction I’ve Seen Since Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton Played Twister

twister

KENTUCKY – After being convinced by staff that he hadn’t been transported to Oz, President Biden toured tornado-ravaged Kentucky today. The destruction is devastating. And reporters noted that Joe seemed overwhelmed by what he saw. “Folks, what I’ve seen today is hard to put into words. I’ve been to many disaster sites over my last century in politics. But this one is especially bad. I’ve been trying to think of how to convey just how bad the destruction here is. Do you all remember a climate documentary from the ’90’s…

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Alec Baldwin Admits He Shot The Sheriff, But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy

Alec

NEW MEXICO – Actor Alec Baldwin insists that he cocked the gun that killed Halyna Hutchins, but he didn’t pull the trigger. In the immortal words of Jason Bateman, “It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ’em.” Baldwin told a reporter this week, “How can I make you people understand? Look, it’s like me admitting I shot the sheriff…but I did not shoot the deputy. Do you get that?” “With all due respect, sir, that analogy doesn’t make any sense in this situation,” the reporter…

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Biden Blames Grandson For Cough, Inflation, Low Poll Numbers, Omicron

grandson

WASHINGTON – Hoarse, and coughing his way through a press conference, Joe Biden worried members of the press. When asked, he told reporters his baby grandson was to blame for giving him a cold. Biden said his grandson had been “kissing my, anyway…you know, the thing.” TMI. But Joe wasn’t through. He went on to blame his grandson for the poor November jobs report, skyrocketing inflation, and other issues that are dragging down his presidency. “I love the little bastard, but he’s not only made me sick, he’s singlehandedly wrecking…

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