Beto: Skateboards More Acceptable Weapons Than AR-15’s For Self Defense

skateboards

TEXAS – Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, the Democrat on a losing streak, wants to be Governor of Texas. The #1 issue he’s running on is taking everybody’s AR-15’s away. That should go over really well in Texas. But he believes he has the answer. “Look at that Huber guy in Kenosha, the one who hit Kyle Rittenhouse over the head with his skateboard. That’s the way to do it. You can do serious damage, and it’s also your getaway vehicle,” he told a small campaign audience. “Unfortunately, that dude wasn’t…

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Americans Liken Kamala Harris 1-Hour Presidency To Getting A Colonoscopy

colonoscopy

ALL 57 STATES – President Joe Biden had a colonoscopy today. That meant that for about an hour, while he was under general anesthesia, America’s worst nightmare came true. VP Kamala Harris briefly became president during his procedure. As he went under, doctors instructed Biden to say “Let’s Go, Brandon” backwards three times. Harris became the first Indian-Jamaican, unlikeable female to ever hold the American presidency during a colonoscopy. It’s a monumental achievement for those who worship at the altar of identity politics. Democrats should be very proud. Ironically though,…

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2024 Favoritism? WH Tells Kamala That Buttigieg Gayness Trumps Her Vagina

favoritism

WASHINGTON – Inside the beltway, Democrat Pete Buttigieg is getting a lot of buzz as a presidential front-runner in 2024. However, VP Kamala Harris is upset, thinking she would assume the crown by that time. She’s crying favoritism. Fortunately, the White House has provided some clarity on the issue. According to Biden aides, Buttigieg’s gayness may trump the VP’s possession of a vagina. “Look, the vice president checks a number of boxes for Democrats,” one aide said. “She’s mixed-race, female, and unlikeable. And it would be foolish to ignore the…

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As Biden Fails, Numbers In LGBFJB+ Community Swells To Record Levels

LGBFJB+

AMERICA – President Biden sucks, most of us can agree on that. His extreme suckage has even created a new social class. The LGBFJB+ (Let’s Go Brandon F*ck Joe Biden+) community is growing exponentially. Sports fans across the country sing his praises during games. LGBFJB+ has begun appearing on t-shirts, signs, etc. everywhere. People want to feel they’re part of something. So, as the president continues to overreach and intrude more into our lives, those who realize how bad he sucks needed a unified voice. The + at the end…

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Biden On Napping Through Climate Summit: They Can’t See Me Sleeping If My Eyes Are Closed

napping

GLASGOW – American President Joe Biden was photographed sleeping during the climate summit this week in Scotland. Fortunately, his mask concealed his drooling during these multiple naps. The White House immediately went into full spin control. Biden himself was overheard telling an aide, “They can’t see me sleeping if my eyes are closed. That’s right, man. I’m always one step ahead of ’em.” And the media was ready to offer their defense for why it ‘may have appeared as though the president was momentarily resting his eyes.’ NBC News said,…

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Satan Confirms Human Remains Found In Florida Were Murderer Brian Laundrie’s

Brian Laundrie's

HELL – In an exclusive interview with CNN’s Jim Acosta, Satan himself confirmed that human remains found this week in a Florida swamp are what used to be murderer Brian Laundrie’s earthly body. The Devil said he’d just gotten off the phone with the FBI. Acosta: So, Mr. Satan, you know for sure those bones were Brian Laundrie’s remains? Shouldn’t we wait for more tests to confirm this? Satan: Oh yeah, it’s him. I keep pretty close tabs on my people. Those are the bones I let him use while…

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WH: Supply Chain Crisis Due To Americans’ Stockpiling Ahead Of Our Next Big Blunder

stockpiling

WASHINGTON – The Biden White House is never to blame for anything. Take the ongoing supply chain crisis that is tying up cargo shipments. Stores continue to deal with empty shelves for some items. And orders for big ticket items like furniture and appliances are taking months to fulfill. At today’s press briefing to update the nation on how nothing is their fault, Jen Psaki set the record straight. A New York Times reporter asked Psaki about shipping delays for large appliances and treadmills. Why hasn’t Biden solved the problem?…

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WH On Buttigieg Paternity Leave: Pete’s Recovering From Episiotomy After Difficult Adoption

paternity

WASHINGTON – The White House acknowledged today that Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has been on paternity leave for two months. Meanwhile, America’s logistics system is a mess, and getting worse. Biden mouthpiece Jen Psaki updated reporters today on the situation. “As many of you know, Secretary Buttigieg and his husband recently welcomed two children into their family. However, it was a difficult adoption, and that’s why Pete has been on paternity leave the past 2 months. Unfortunately, because he’s kind of a wuss, doctors had to perform an episiotomy on…

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Reporters Shout ‘President Brandon? President Brandon?!’ As He Turns Back On Questions

President Brandon

WASHINGTON – No matter the topic, the American president doesn’t care about your questions. After every speech, he tucks his tail, turns his back on reporters, and leaves the room. The prez has failed at everything he touches, except at being a coward. There, he excels. Since stupid reporters believe chants at sporting events of “F*** Joe Biden!” are really chants of “Let’s Go, Brandon!” they’ll keep the lie going. So, after his most recent speech following a devastating jobs report, reporters continued the lie. As Biden said ‘thank you’…

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Biden Proposes Raiding The Human Fund, Using Carbon Credits To Pay For Trillions In Spending

human fund

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden, also known as ‘Go Brandon,’ is one sharp cookie. He thinks he may have found a way to get approval for his insane spending agenda – without raising taxes on citizens. He floated his idea at an event this week in Michigan. “Folks, let me tell ya. I think I’ve got this funding thing all figured out. They told me not to talk about this, but I’m so excited about it that I just have to tell you. Now, people on the other side of…

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