Joe Biden Shouts ‘Get Off My Lawn!’ At Interviewer Asking About Cognitive Tests

DELAWARE – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden showed his grumpy side in an interview today. During an interview with a CBS reporter, Biden was confronted with the cognitive elephant in the room. The reporter asked Joe if he had taken any cognitive tests to measure his mental fitness to be president. The former VP lost his cool and snapped back at the reporter. “Get off my lawn!” Biden shot back. The nonsensical response caught the reporter by surprise. “I’m not on your lawn, sir.” Biden shot back, “Are you one…

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Skip 2020 Debates? Biden Says He Hasn’t Skipped In Years Due To Mobility Issues

skipped debates

DELAWARE – Due to his questionable mental competence, Democrats are freaking out over the possibility of Joe Biden debating on a stage with President Trump. His supporters, including the media, are now urging Joe to skip all debates. Period. Biden says he can’t do that. “I haven’t skipped in years. It’s harder to skip when you get older. I wish my handlers would be more understanding about that. A few years ago, I could walk briskly, trying to make it look like I was jogging with Barack. But I don’t…

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Chicago’s Mayor LightSocket Admits 21 Shot, 6 Dead Was Slow Weekend

CHI-TOWN – It was a slightly slower than normal weekend of death and bloodshed in Chicago this weekend. Only 21 people were shot in the Democrat-led city, resulting in 6 deaths. Mayor Lori LightSocket (named so because of her hair, although her maiden name is Lightfoot) has reason for concern. “I was surprised by the numbers, frankly,” Mayor LightSocket said. “Maybe some folks were doing a little back-to-school looting over the weekend. Or maybe more people hit the lakes this weekend. For whatever reason, I think people were busy doing…

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Democrat Jerry Nadler Explains The Myths Of The Sun, Riots

myths

WASHINGTON – Democrat Jerry Nadler made headlines this week by insisting the Portland Riots, now in their third month, are myths. As are any other riots in any other Democratic-run cities. But those aren’t the only myths Nadler claims are out there. A man told Jerry that tons of video proof exists of the violence by socialist-democrat-anarchists in Portland and other cities. “Those are myths,” Nadler shot back. “Just like the sun is a myth.” The man countered, saying, “The sun is right over that direction. You can see it…

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Democrat Jerry Nadler Hoping To Avoid Catching Virus Through Forehead

Jerry Nadler

WASHINGTON – Saying “I believe it’s common knowledge,” Democrat congressman Jerry Nadler asserted that everyone knows the coronavirus enters the human body through the forehead. For this reason, the politician has raised his mask position to mirror the higher-than-normal position of his belt. Nadler was photographed today in the House chamber, where he showed how he protects his forehead with his mask. “This is the best way to stay safe during this pandemic,” Jerry told reporters. “You’ve got to block the forehead. Why do you think they scan your forehead…

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Portland Mommies Bring Snacks To Rioting Antifa Children

Portland

PORTLAND – Rioting ain’t easy. So dozens of moms who have children participating in the civil unrest in this city have come to the rescue. They’ve supplied their immature kids with juice boxes, pretzels, Lunchables, and popsicles as the rioting continues. “I wanted to make sure my son was happy as he helps destroy the city,” said the mother of Jacob Thompson, 24, of Eugene, Oregon. “If he doesn’t get his snacks, he’s even worse. I also wanted to let him know that I made his bed for him. He’s…

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Biden Camp Offer Max Headroom As Stand In For Joe During Debates

Max Headroom

DELAWARE – Aides to Joe Biden’s 2020 campaign are doing whatever they can to avoid his having to debate President Trump in person. Now, they’re offering up 80’s pop culture personality Max Headroom as an alternative. The suggestion comes after the Trump campaign declined televising all debates from Biden’s basement. Greg Schultz, his campaign manager, explained why Headroom might be a suitable “debate double” for Biden. “First, they look exactly alike,” Schultz said. “I believe many of our younger Democrats wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Also, Max is…

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Got GOYA? Angry Leftists Launch New Hispanic Food Company ANNOYA

CALIFORNIA – GOYA Foods Company is under attack by deranged American leftists after the CEO of the Hispanic Food brand expressed support for President Trump. In response, the Left, led by Hollywood celebs, have decided to launch their own brand of Hispanic foods – ANNOYA. Annoying the public is what liberals and progressives do best. They’re currently pushing a national boycott of GOYA because of their Trump Derangement Syndrome. The new brand promises to be “so woke it will give you insomnia” according to those pushing the boycott. Democrat Alexandria…

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Woke NFL: Players Should Raise Closed Fist When Scoring If They Want Points To Count

closed fist

NEW YORK – In a further effort to show they’ve cowed to the demands of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement, the NFL has suggested any player scoring a touchdown should raise a closed fist when crossing the goal line – IF they want the points to count for their team. A raised, closed fist is the accepted symbol of black power, the resistance, and wokeness. In addition to playing the Black national anthem before the first game, NFL officials want to remind fans that they can’t truly enjoy a…

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How the Socialist Grinch Almost Stole the 4th of July

socialist grinch

JUST OUTSIDE AMERICAVILLE – The Socialist Grinch was a bitter, ungrateful member of Grinch Lives Matter, who lived next to Mount Trumpit and overlooked the states of Americaville. Each 4th of July, he seethed inside as Americaville celebrated her freedom and independence. Citizens of Americaville celebrated with fireworks, parades, baseball, beer, cookouts, and friends. It was a happy occasion each year, but he couldn’t understand what was so great about Americaville that was worth celebrating. You see, the Socialist Grinch was a product of the university system, where he had…

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