Biden Named Worst Comedian After Prefacing Every Punchline With “I’m Not Joking”

CNN – Joe Biden performed stand-up comedy at a town hall show on the network this week. Sadly, every joke the Democrat delivered fell flat. Even CNN anchors couldn’t save the floundering jokester from bombing on stage. Most well-known comics cited his technique as the reason for his poor showing. “You can’t start every joke with ‘Seriously, I’m not joking…,’ before you deliver the punchline,” Jerry Seinfeld said. “It confuses the audience. They don’t know if you’re playing it straight, the joke’s on them, or what.” Comedian Kevin Hart shouted,…

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US Women’s Soccer Team Favorite To Win Gold In Kneeling Competition At Wokyo Olympics

WOYKO (WOKE-e-O) – As the 2024 Wokyo Olympics open in Japan , the IOC announced a new competition. For the first time ever, kneeling will be an Olympic event. The early frontrunners to take home the gold are the US Women’s Soccer Team. All but 2 members of the team kneeled during the anthem at a recent event. Led by anti-American forward Megan Rapinoe, the team feels good about their chances. “As an ungrateful American, I look forward to being a bad representative for my country. It’s kind of an…

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Dr. Fauci Suggests Babies Start Wearing Masks While Still Inside Womb

CNN – Dr. Anthony Fauci, keeper of all knowledge covid-related, has new mask recommendations for the very young. The doc made his latest degree on a recent show on the network that nobody watches. Ok, it was Brian Stelter’s show. “Look, masks are going to be part of our lives in some fashion for years to come,” Fauci stated. “I recently recommended that children older than 2 wear a mask when they return to school. But since I like to play God, I realized we could do better. I now…

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Psaki: Door-To-Door Vaccine Gestapo May Also Check Your Facebook Page For Disinformation

disinformation

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesgal Jen Psaki clarified remarks she made the other day regarding social media platforms doing the administration’s bidding. Psaki previously said the White House was telling Facebook to ban whatever content they deem to be disinformation or “problematic.” Today, Jen elaborated on their plan. “We don’t expect Facebook to be able to catch every post we deem offensive or inaccurate. So what we are considering, is having our door-to-door vaccine gestapo also check your Facebook page while they’re there. It won’t be intrusive or anything. When our…

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Dems Propose Sending America’s Most Vicious Warriors To Free Cuban People

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders today proposed unleashing America’s most fearsome fighters to free the Cuban people from their tyrannical government. The cast of characters include many who still give Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer nightmares. To the modern Democrat, the people who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6 of this year are the baddest of the bad, the worst of the worst…..since the Civil War. So, as Cubans revolt against a communist government, and hope America can deliver them from evil, Democrats are offering a glimmer of hope. Including a…

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Texas Democrats Take Inaugural Flight Of Coward Airlines To DC

Coward Airlines

AUSTIN – Texas Democrats took the first flight on Coward Airlines on Monday, as the fledgling carrier made its debut. The airline touts itself as “the choice of cowards and anybody looking to shirk their responsibilities.” The skittish politicians were fleeing their responsibilities to vote on a voting reform bill in the Texas House. The inaugural flight from Austin to Washington, D.C. was mostly uneventful, though pilots did announce they were having to fly lower to avoid turbulence and/or encountering any rogue quorums. Coward Airlines looks to cater to deadbeat…

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Kamala: Infrastructure Bill Includes Funding For Kinko’s, Office Max Stores In Rural Areas

WASHINGTON – Kamala Harris is a voter integrity genius. She revealed today that having to photocopy an ID card is yet another hardship faced by those who live in rural areas. But she has the solution, and it starts with passing the president’s infrastructure boondoggle. Kinko’s and Office Max to the rescue! Harris said that Republican efforts to clamp down on voter fraud, “…means you’re going to have to Xerox or photocopy your ID to send it in to prove who you are. Well, there are a whole lot of…

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Biden Considering Adding Vaccine To Girl Scout Cookies In Door-To-Door Push

door-to-door

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden wants to start a door-to-door campaign to get more Americans vaccinated. As part of his administration’s brilliant scheme, the Girl Scouts of America are being consulted as vaccine pushers. Slipping the vaccine into cookies may be an easy way to dupe those resistant to getting jabbed. Spokesgal Jen Psaki explained the idea to members of the press. “Who doesn’t love Girl Scout cookies?” she asked with a smile. “So if we can slip a small amount of the vaccine into cookies that are sold to the…

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Biden Announces His New Gangsta Name Is ’16 Cents,’ Psaki Confirms

16 cents

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden revealed to America this weekend that his new gangsta name is ’16 Cents.’ The president claimed the new nickname was a nod to the massive savings he had procured for the American family. Earlier, Biden had announced that, thanks to him, Americans would save $0.16 off the cost of a BBQ dinner this 4th of July vs. last summer (a Trump year). Instead of celebrating the 4th this year, however, most families were huddled around kitchen tables trying to figure out how best to spend their…

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Kamala Harris Says Words Near Border, Vague Platitudes End Immigration Crisis

words

EL PASO – Immigration guru Kamala Harris stepped foot in the vicinity of the border here and feels her work on this issue is done now. It only took her a few hours on the ground to effectively end the current immigration nightmare. Harris delivered a series of vague platitudes, tired clichés, and untruths to reporters covering her border photo-op. “We’ve made extreme progress, extreme progress,” she told adoring reporters. “I’m here to use my words to talk about the root causes of this immigration issue. I don’t know what…

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