Kamala Harris Hosts DNC Hollywood Squares, ‘Deranged Democrat’ Edition

DELAWARE – To liven up a boring Democratic National Convention, VP-nominee Kamala Harris hosted a version of the iconic Hollywood Squares game show last night. It’s been dubbed the ‘Deranged Democrat‘ edition of the show. As host, Harris asked deranged Democrats various questions about what makes America such a terrible place. Contestants pressed a button that illuminated their square with a colored circle, the color depending on the order they buzzed in. The enthusiasm was so weak for the show that some of the contestants were duplicated to fill out…

Read More

Convention: Obama Tells Dems Nation Ready For First ‘Cognitively-Challenged’ President

cognitively-challenged

DELAWARE – Former President Barack Obama knows something about making history. He became the country’s first black president. He also became the country’s first president to attempt a coup of an incoming president – by using his own administration to carry it out. Tonight, Obama told Democrats in his convention speech that it’s time to make history again. “I believe America is ready to check another box in 2020. It’s time the Democratic Party take the bold step to elect the first ‘cognitively-challenged’ president in our nation’s history.” During one…

Read More

Dem Convention Emcee Eva Longoria: Last 4 Years Has Left My Hair Diminished, Divided

MILWAUKEE – The gloomy Democrats kicked off their convention Monday night. The virtual event’s emcee was former Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria. And the actress wasted no time in attacking President Trump. “The past few months have tested us all,” Longoria began. “It’s been tougher for some of us than for others. But it isn’t just the past few months. The past four years has left my hair diminished and divided. When will this national nightmare end?” Eva recounted how living under an oppressive Trump administration has affected the graying…

Read More

Birther Theories Solved: CNN Confirms Kamala Harris Was Birthed

NEW YORK – The controversy over whether Kamala Harris is eligible to be Joe Biden’s running mate appears to be solved. Due to her mixed heritage, birther theories have exploded on social media. Now, CNN has weighed in on the controversy and, like Kamala, is trying to but the matter to bed. The network’s Don Lemon confirmed Friday night that the crack research team at CNN has determined that Kamala Harris was indeed birthed. “There should be no doubt now that these baseless birther theories are pure conjecture,” Lemon told…

Read More

Hillary Clinton Lauds Kamala’s Unlikeable Factor, Reminds Me Of Me

NEW YORK – Former presidential loser Hillary Clinton heaped praise on Joe Biden’s pick to be his VP. Clinton thought Biden’s pick of Kamala Harris was inspiring. “She’s every bit as unlikeable as I am,” Clinton quipped. “She reminds me of me! And there’s nothing better than that in my eyes,” Hillary continued. “She’s full of herself, over confident, aloof, condescending, and really knows how to play those victim cards that we (Democrats) use so frequently. I like to refer to her as Kamala Obama. But she’s really Hillary 2.0,”…

Read More

Joe Biden Said To Be Elated After Kamala Harris Picks Him To Be Her VP

VP

DELAWARE – From deep within his own basement, Democrat Joe Biden is beaming with joy. The former vice-president is said to be elated after receiving news yesterday that he’d been chosen to be Kamala Harris’ VP. “This is great!” a grinning from ear-to-ear Biden said. “My wife Jill tried to tell me that I was the one who had chosen Kamala to be my running mate, but she was just messin’ with me. Can you imagine the thought of me at the top of the ticket?!” (Laughing wildly) “I can’t…

Read More

Portland Antifa Riot After Someone Forgot To Bring The S’mores

Portland

PORTLAND – Members of the local antifa chapter raged again this weekend, but for a different reason than the previous 70 nights. One of their own forgot to bring the makings for s’mores to their overnight temper tantrum, setting off a firestorm of violence outside the city’s Police Department. “How can we keep up our energy to riot without marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers? There’s no way!” shouted a leader of the group. “We’ve got these wonderful fires going….but nothing to make s’mores with?! So we’re just standing around these…

Read More

Joe Biden Shouts ‘Get Off My Lawn!’ At Interviewer Asking About Cognitive Tests

DELAWARE – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden showed his grumpy side in an interview today. During an interview with a CBS reporter, Biden was confronted with the cognitive elephant in the room. The reporter asked Joe if he had taken any cognitive tests to measure his mental fitness to be president. The former VP lost his cool and snapped back at the reporter. “Get off my lawn!” Biden shot back. The nonsensical response caught the reporter by surprise. “I’m not on your lawn, sir.” Biden shot back, “Are you one…

Read More

Skip 2020 Debates? Biden Says He Hasn’t Skipped In Years Due To Mobility Issues

skipped debates

DELAWARE – Due to his questionable mental competence, Democrats are freaking out over the possibility of Joe Biden debating on a stage with President Trump. His supporters, including the media, are now urging Joe to skip all debates. Period. Biden says he can’t do that. “I haven’t skipped in years. It’s harder to skip when you get older. I wish my handlers would be more understanding about that. A few years ago, I could walk briskly, trying to make it look like I was jogging with Barack. But I don’t…

Read More

Chicago’s Mayor LightSocket Admits 21 Shot, 6 Dead Was Slow Weekend

CHI-TOWN – It was a slightly slower than normal weekend of death and bloodshed in Chicago this weekend. Only 21 people were shot in the Democrat-led city, resulting in 6 deaths. Mayor Lori LightSocket (named so because of her hair, although her maiden name is Lightfoot) has reason for concern. “I was surprised by the numbers, frankly,” Mayor LightSocket said. “Maybe some folks were doing a little back-to-school looting over the weekend. Or maybe more people hit the lakes this weekend. For whatever reason, I think people were busy doing…

Read More