Trump Proposes Literally Building Wall Over Pelosi’s Dead Body

WASHINGTON – Hoping to avoid another shutdown, President Trump today proposed literally building his border wall or barrier directly over Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s dead body. According to his plans, her body would become the cornerstone in any future border structure. “You can tell by looking at her that she probably doesn’t have a lot of time left anyway,” a White House aide admitted. “She’s always threatening the president, saying, ‘You’ll get your border wall over my dead body!’ We’re just offering to take her up on that offer.” The president…

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General Assembly Adopts ‘Virginia Is For Shoe Polish Lovers’ Slogan

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RICHMOND – In the wake of an ongoing blackface controversy involving its state leaders, Virginia’s General Assembly updated the state’s slogan today. “Virginia Is For Lovers,” the state’s well known tagline, has been updated to “Virginia Is For Shoe Polish Lovers.” With news coming out that Governor Ralph Northam and Attorney General Mark Herring both sported blackface in their college days, the governing body felt the update was justified. The news explains why Virginia has lead the country in shoe polish sales for decades. Minority leader Eileen Filler-Corn stated, “Hey,…

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Yearbook: Ralph Northam Voted Most Likely To Resign In Disgrace

VIRGINIA – Although he’s denying it at the moment, the clock is ticking down to when the state’s governor will have to resign. Ralph Northam (Dem/Socialist – VA), is embroiled in a race/abortion controversy, going back to his med-school days in 1984. The governor first made headlines for saying babies could be aborted after birth. If they aren’t allowed to abort them, Ralph says they should at least be able to paint the newborns’ faces with blackface, then shove the babies back into the mother. You know, out of sight…

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Good Times: Stacey Abrams To Give State Of Union Rebuttal

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GEORGIA – Former Good Times actress Stacey Abrams has been tagged to deliver the Democrat Party’s rebuttal to President Trump’s state of the union speech on Tuesday. Abrams, who has been acting since the 1970’s, most recently lost her bid to become the governor of Georgia. Stacey acted under the stage name Esther Rolle on the hit sitcom, is best known these days for her stance that illegal aliens should be allowed to vote in US elections. She cray-cray. She’ll no doubt accuse the president of being a heartless, evil,…

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Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision

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ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

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Medical Assn Approves AOC Diagnosis As ‘Diarrhea Of The Mouth’

CHICAGO – Diarrhea of the mouth is kind of a long diagnosis, but so is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s name. So long and annoying that many have started referring to her as simply “AOC.” Now, the Board of Trustees at the American Medical Association have honored the freshman socialist politician with her own affliction. In a vote of 15-6, the board approved adding the diagnosis of AOC in medical textbooks and journals to apply to any patient exhibiting symptoms of “diarrhea of the mouth.” This is an irritating condition, and one in…

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Mackenzie Bezos on Megyn Kelly’s $69 Million Score: That’s Cute

AMAZONIA – When news hit this week that NBC had settled with Megyn Kelly, and agreed to pay her $69 million to be rid of her, the dollar amount was staggering. However, not everybody was impressed. Mackenzie Bezos, the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, found the news amusing. “$69 million? With an M?” Bezos asked. “That’s cute. I wish her well. I just don’t know how anybody survives on that amount, to be honest.” Mackenzie prefers to have a B with her illions. She could end up with around…

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Nation Understands Border Issue Better After Beto Dental Cleaning

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EL PASO – Robert “Beto” O’Rourke blessed the country today by having his dental hygienist explain the complex border situation during a dental appointment. He live-streamed his appointment on Instagram. Liberals were blown away by the experience. 23-year old Summer Baxter said, “I’ve heard all the oral arguments from both sides about the border security and immigration issues. Not like this, though. You know, from a dentist chair. You can bet I’m going to be finding out what my dental hygienist thinks the solution to climate change is at my…

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116th Motherf**king Congress Officially Sworn In

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WASHINGTON – Newly elected Democrats completed the swearing-in of the 116th motherf**king Congress last week. And judging by early reviews, this new Congress promises to be a real sh*tstorm. Incoming Detroit congresswoman Rashida Tlaib put the swearing-in ceremony in perspective. “Look, I get that taking the oath is a dignified and f**king solemn occasion. So, I really had to hold back today. I swore I wouldn’t swear today, but, what the f**k? I hate that (Trump) motherf**ker!” Tlaib said her main focus during her first term in office will be…

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Never-Trumper Mitt Romney: Please, Call Me Jeff Flake

WASHINGTON – Thanks for nothing, Utah! Incoming “Republican” senator Mitt Romney started off the new year by slamming President Trump. He criticized the president’s character, and said Trump has lowered the bar for what it means to be president. “They don’t call me ‘Mittens’ for nothing,” Romney grinned. “I’m taking the gloves off with the leader of my own party. My wife gave me a set of balls for Christmas.” Ann Romney had given her husband a pair of ping pong balls, which suited him perfectly – plastic and lightweight.…

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