Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

bourne

IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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Biden Vows To Make Word ‘Malarkey’ Popular Among Youth Again

DETROIT – In the second Democratic debate this week, 2020 hopeful Joe Biden vowed that one of his first duties as president would be to make the word ‘malarkey’ cool again with the nation’s young people. That’d be just swell. “The word has dropped out of favor, and that’s a shame,” Biden told CNN’s Don Lemon. “I think once kids see how hip I am, they’ll want to start copying me and my coolness. In case you can’t tell, kiddo, I’m really with it.” Biden told Lemon he envisions the…

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Left Calls Trump Racist After He Insults Rats Of Color In Baltimore

Baltimore

WEST BALTIMORE – President Trump is facing new attacks of racism after insulting Democrat Elijah Cummings and the rats of color that populate his district. Most of the rodents in this city are either gray, black or brown – making them rats of color. After the president brought attention to the rat infestation problem that has long been neglected by Rep. Cummings, the congressman fired back angrily. “If our rats were white, I guarantee our racist president wouldn’t have said a word about this! And not that I spend much…

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Dems Given Mueller Home Board Game As Consolation Prize

consolation

WASHINGTON – Democrats just can’t win. Their insistence on Robert Mueller testifying backfired on them badly. But they’re not going home empty-handed. Yes, each Democrat in Congress will receive the Limited Edition Mueller Investigation Board Game as a consolation prize. Republican Jim Jordan of Ohio said, “It’s been a blast. I want to thank them for playing, but it’s time to move on. I hope Democrats will have fun playing the Mueller board game at home with their friends and families. The thing I like most about it, is that…

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Robert Mueller: Happiness Is DC In My Purview Mirror

purview

WASHINGTON – He couldn’t remember his way back home, but former special counsel Robert Mueller couldn’t get out of town fast enough after his testimony on Capitol Hill today. “I’m just happy to get this place in my purview mirror,” he said. Mr. Mueller bumbled and stumbled his way through questions about his findings into whether President Trump won the election in 2016 fair and square. “I can’t say if he did or he didn’t, but I seem to recall that I don’t remember.” Come again? Asked to describe how…

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Poll: Democrats Rate Chants As Biggest Threat To Mankind

chants

NORTH CAROLINA – Following President Trump’s latest rally here, new polling of Democratic voters suggests that ‘chants’ are now the number one threat against every living creature on the planet. Chants of “Send her back!” by the rally crowd sent Socialist Democrats into all-out panic mode. The chant was referring to anti-American congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s past remarks, but the Party and media decided it was based instead on racial bias. According to a Gallup flash poll taken after the rally, ‘chants’ have surpassed climate chaos as the main issue that…

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New Un-American Airline To Fly America-Hating Dems To Foreign Countries

NEW YORK – President Trump is helping to fund and launch a new carrier that will predominantly relocate American-hating, progressive Democrats to other countries. The new venture will be called Un-American Airlines. Representatives AOC, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley have been offered free, first-class seats on the inaugural flight later this year. Un-American Airlines will cater to those on the radical Left of today’s Democratic Party. All flights will be piloted by illegal aliens. In addition, the entire fleet of aircraft will use racism as fuel because, while…

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Trump Warns Iran: Don’t ‘Go All AOC’ On Me

go all AOC

WASHINGTON – As tensions escalate between the U.S. and Iran, President Trump issued a warning to the rogue regime’s leaders today. He sent out a tweet with stern words for Ali Khamenei, regarding the country’s threats to continue enriching uranium: “Don’t go all AOC on me.” The reference to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the know-it-all freshman congresswoman from New York, is gaining new acceptance. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association has recently adopted the phrase as an acceptable way to refer to a patient who is “acting insane, over-reactive, and melodramatic…

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Nike Mad That Betsy Ross Left Swoosh Logo Off American Flag Design

OREGON – Nike, Inc., the American shoe giant, has pulled their 4th of July, flag-themed sneakers because the company is mad that Betsy Ross didn’t include their iconic “swoosh” on her original flag design. Nike personality Colin Kaepernick recently pointed out the diss by Ross to company officials. “Betsy Ross should have had the foresight to know Nike would dominate the shoe market in the future, should have known their logo would be a swoosh, and should have included the symbol somewhere on her first American flag,” Kaepernick explained. In…

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2020 Dems Appoint Debbie Downer As Official Campaign Mascot

MIAMI – Following the Democratic Freak Show, uh, debate, last week, the DNC has appointed Debbie Downer to be the official face of their 2020 campaign. In fact, the negativity spewed by the debate participants makes Downer sound like Tony Robbins. Yes, despite a historically low unemployment rate, a strong economy, millions of jobs created, foreign leaders taking President Trump seriously, and achieving energy independence, America really sucks. That’s the Democrats’ story and they’re sticking to it. Debbie Downer was honored by the chance to be the image of Democrats…

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