Pelosi: U.S. In Midst Of A ‘Consticollusional Crisis’ Right Now

crisis

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is adamant that the Trump administration has plunged the country into a ‘Consticollusional crisis’ due to the findings of the Mueller Report. In their delusional and subpoena-happy state, Democrats have actually put the U.S. in a Constitutional crisis, but that’s a story for another day. Part of the reason for the current Consticollusional crisis we find ourselves in at the moment is that Democrats insist on finding collusion where there is no collusion to be found. The other part is because Pelosi…

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Ocasio-Cortez Reveals Her Swanky DC Apartment Is Haunted

WASHINGTON – Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s life just keeps getting stranger. Now, she reveals that her fancy DC apartment is haunted. The democratic Einstein showed Instagram fans this week evidence of a monster that lives in a hole in her sink. “I’m, like, freaking out all the time when I’m here,” she whined. “My place is bougie, but it’s a house of horrors. It’s definitely haunted.” Even after having some features in her apartment identified and explained to her, the New York politician didn’t sound convinced. “They’re telling me this is…

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AG Barr Releases Soundtrack to Mueller Report For Dems Needing Context

soundtrack

WASHINGTON – Robert Mueller and leading Democrats have been whining that Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report didn’t properly convey the context, substance or mood of his findings. So the AG is now releasing a soundtrack to go along with the report. “I hope a little mood music helps them better understand there’s no there there,” Barr said. The Attorney General has hired famed composer Hans Zimmer to produce the score. A list of tracks on the soundtrack has been provided below: No Collusion, No Obstruction (What…

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Maxine Waters Impeaches Nanny, Hairstylist, Gardener All In Same Week

CALIFORNIA – Congresswoman Maxine Waters (Deranged-CA) has a one track mind that only leads to impeachment. She’s consumed by it. So much so that just in the last week, she’s impeached her own nanny, hairstylist, and gardener. The workers were caught off guard by the move. “She just walks around muttering ‘Impeach 45,’ ‘Must impeach!’ or ‘I’ll impeach all you bastards!’ whenever she’s here at the house,” the nanny said, speaking in broken English. “Last weekend, she had insomnia. I heard her counting impeachments to try to fall asleep. I…

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Carbon Dating Confirms 2020 Democrat Front-runners Are Ancient

carbon

WASHINGTON – We knew they were old. Now, science has confirmed it. Following carbon dating on Democrat presidential hopefuls Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, the 2020 front-runners are indeed from a bygone era. Measuring carbon isotopes from the political fossils, scientists determined Biden and Sanders date back to between the late Cenozoic period and the #MeToo era. This geo-political period was known as a time when most creatures were not yet “woke.” The results of the tests reinforces the notion that the two men are ancient in the minds of…

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Bernie: Boston Bomber’s Brother Should Be Allowed To Vote From Hell

boston bomber

NEW YORK – During a CNN town hall event on Monday, Democrats’ favorite socialist, Bernie Sanders, said the Boston Bomber should be given the right to vote for his party from prison. Several other 2020 candidates seemed to be in agreement with the proposal. When asked if felons like the Boston Marathon Bomber should be given back their right to vote, Sanders answered, “I do believe the one brother should be allowed to vote from his cell, and his dead brother should be allowed to vote from Hell.” Bernie’s base…

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CNN: Mueller Report Racist Because Redactions Made In Black

redactions

NEW YORK – Members of CNN’s news team were outraged today when the long-awaited Mueller Report was released, but with some redactions being colored black. Anchor Don Lemon and contributor Van Jones were the most triggered by the incident. “This is preposterous!” Van Jones firmly stated. “Attorney General Barr could have made redactions in any color. They DO have color printers at the Department of Justice, I’m sure. This was intentional. What we’re seeing in this report are ‘re-Black-tions,’ and it’s a slap in the face to all people of…

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Matrix Directors Applaud Houston Astros’ Special Effects Team

OAKLAND – Directors of The Matrix trilogy, the Wachowski siblings, were blown away by the work of the Houston Astros special effects team for a stunt they pulled off in a game last night. The Astros were taking on the Oakland A’s when the feat took place. Astros pitcher Colin McHugh faced a hard line drive off the bat of an A’s hitter, when Astros special effects wizards sprung into action. As the baseball hurtled toward his face, McHugh says he actually saw the Matrix for a split second, and…

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Real Housewives Of Game Of Thrones Trounces GOT8 Ratings

WESTEROS – The Game of Thrones final season premier was a ratings juggernaut for HBO. That was before the after show – The Real Housewives of Game of Thrones. Tens of millions tuned in to watch the drama, backstabbing, and alliances of their favorite women from the show. In tonight’s episode, Cersei Lannister couldn’t deal with the fact that Queen Daenerys found her white overcoat ‘off the rack’ at a Valyrian discount market. “She can afford whatever she wants. I couldn’t bear to show my face in one of those…

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Mueller Report To Be Released As Picture Book For Democrats

picture

WASHINGTON – Democrats are having a hard time understanding what “No Collusion” and “No Obstruction” means. So to help them more easily understand Robert Mueller’s report and conclusions, Attorney General William Barr will release a version of Mueller’s findings in a picture book format. “I hope with the addition of illustrative pictures, the explanation of no collusion and no obstruction on the part of the president will be easier for them to comprehend,” Barr told reporters after a congressional hearing today. “Because, so far, they’re just not getting it.” “We’re…

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