AOC: Congress Must Limit Trump’s Ability To Cause Earthquakes In Iran

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, preeminent thinker for today’s Democrats, is outraged over President Trump’s recent actions regarding Iran. But she’s not just mad about him taking out American-hating terrorist Soleimani last weekend. “Ok, like, so Iran retaliated against us by launching rockets at our bases in Iraq….which they had very right to do. But within hours of their strikes against us, the president caused 2 earthquakes in Iran. AND a plane crash on top of that!” Cortez charged. “We’re better than that. Why does he even do that?” she continued.…

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Mayor Pete’s Soleimani TMI: Taking Out Bad Guys Not Always Good Idea

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – 2020 Democrat hopeful, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, made headlines in the wake of the US killing of Iran’s Qasem Soleimani. The inexperienced mayor said that “taking out a bad guy is not always a good idea.” Pete told a campaign crowd, “As a gay man, I’ve taken out lots of bad guys. We all get trapped by the allure of the ‘bad boy,’ am I right? But, trust me, things rarely turn out as magical with them as it does in our minds. “I’ve been there. You wake…

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Liz Warren: I Would Have Impeached Soleimani Rather Than Killing

Soleimani

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Senator Elizabeth Warren, half-Iranian herself, slammed President Trump this weekend over his drone strike that killed Iran’s terror leader Qasem Soleimani just days ago. “Personally, I would have impeached the mother****er…and then had a beer, rather than killing him.” Warren explained that being impeached is a fate worse than death, even if one hasn’t officially been impeached. “Look, I don’t know what Nancy (Pelosi) is thinking, but Democrats consider the president impeached. Our low information voters consider him impeached. That’s all that matters.” “Can you imagine the…

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Pelosi Still Holding Impeachment Articles Hostage, SWAT Team Called In

WASHINGTON – The Capitol SWAT team has been deployed outside House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s DC apartment as she continued to hold articles of impeachment hostage for a second week. The show of force is in response to Pelosi’s unwillingness to release two articles of impeachment against the president. So far, Pelosi’s demands have been all over the map. She has demanded the Senate play by her rules, that the Senate trial be rigged in her favor ahead of time, and a fueled up plane waiting on the tarmac. A SWAT…

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Nancy Pelosi Unveils ‘Impeachment Chic’ Fashion Line For Dems

fashion

WASHINGTON – High Priestess of The Swamp, Speaker Nancy Pelosi, attended her own funeral this week. But she did make one last fashion statement. She unveiled her new ‘Impeachment Chic’ fashion line for her fellow Democrats. Pelosi showed up for the impeachment vote of President Trump wearing a black number that seemed appropriate for the event. One that marked the beginning of the end of her political career. She explained her fashion choice to Fox News’s Martha McCallum. “Martha, I want to make clear, my new line of fashion-forward impeachment…

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Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry Delights Dems Of Sombertown With Impeachment

Jerry Nadler

SOMBERTOWN D.C. – The despised dictator of impeachment proceedings against President Trump, Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, is trying to ruin Christmas for millions with his framing of the president. Nadler Jerry hopes to nullify the 2016 election with his tyrannical behavior toward all Republicans. The Democrats of Sombertown, however, are thrilled with his sham of an investigation targeting the president. Nancy Pelosi, representing the Democrats, explained, “Sombertown is named for the way we pretend to feel when we pretend to care about the Constitution. Somber and prayerful.” Jerry Nadler-Nadler Jerry, in…

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Push-Up Joe Wants Presidency Decided By Pectoral College

IOWA – We all know Democrats hate the Electoral College. They want mob rule. But Joe Biden believes the fairest way to settle the race for the presidency is with a push-up contest, with the winner being decided by the Pectoral College. “Look, Jack, I can do push-ups with the best of ’em. Ask Corn Pop, Squiggy, or Jelly Jam Joe from my old neighborhood,” Mr. Biden insisted. “You all may have noticed that each time I feel threatened by a question in a public setting, I always go to…

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Kamala Harris Quits Race: Without Likable Personality, I Saw No Path Forward

likable

CALIFORNIA – 2020 Democratic presidential hopeful Kamala Harris has quit the race. She ended her run for the White House today, saying she lacked “anything remotely resembling likability to the average American.” Harris joins an elite group of unlikable Democratic drop-outs that includes the likes of Beto, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean. Kamala is the latest to realize that you can’t learn to be likable. You either have it or you don’t. “Apparently, not enough voters appreciated my snobby, smarter-than-thou attitude,” Kamala concluded. “People are so stupid. I guess I’ll…

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Biden ‘No Malarkey’ Tour Aims To Abolish Malarkey Wherever It’s Found

IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year. “In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his…

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Singer John Legend, Who’s Not An Oncologist, Calls Trump A Cancer

HOLLYWOOD – Singer and recent winner of the Sexiest Woke Man Alive 2019, John Legend, today labelled President Trump “a cancer that needs to be removed.” It should be noted that Legend is NOT an oncologist. Dr. Bernard Fischer, a real oncologist, disputes Legend’s diagnosis of Trump. “I can tell you without a doubt that the president is NOT a cancer. In fact, he doesn’t need to be removed from office, or anything else, really.” The Dr. continued, “I can’t ruin old songs by re-writing them to adhere to today’s…

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