Carbon Dating Confirms 2020 Democrat Front-runners Are Ancient

carbon

WASHINGTON – We knew they were old. Now, science has confirmed it. Following carbon dating on Democrat presidential hopefuls Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, the 2020 front-runners are indeed from a bygone era. Measuring carbon isotopes from the political fossils, scientists determined Biden and Sanders date back to between the late Cenozoic period and the #MeToo era. This geo-political period was known as a time when most creatures were not yet “woke.” The results of the tests reinforces the notion that the two men are ancient in the minds of…

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Bernie: Boston Bomber’s Brother Should Be Allowed To Vote From Hell

boston bomber

NEW YORK – During a CNN town hall event on Monday, Democrats’ favorite socialist, Bernie Sanders, said the Boston Bomber should be given the right to vote for his party from prison. Several other 2020 candidates seemed to be in agreement with the proposal. When asked if felons like the Boston Marathon Bomber should be given back their right to vote, Sanders answered, “I do believe the one brother should be allowed to vote from his cell, and his dead brother should be allowed to vote from Hell.” Bernie’s base…

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CNN: Mueller Report Racist Because Redactions Made In Black

redactions

NEW YORK – Members of CNN’s news team were outraged today when the long-awaited Mueller Report was released, but with some redactions being colored black. Anchor Don Lemon and contributor Van Jones were the most triggered by the incident. “This is preposterous!” Van Jones firmly stated. “Attorney General Barr could have made redactions in any color. They DO have color printers at the Department of Justice, I’m sure. This was intentional. What we’re seeing in this report are ‘re-Black-tions,’ and it’s a slap in the face to all people of…

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Matrix Directors Applaud Houston Astros’ Special Effects Team

OAKLAND – Directors of The Matrix trilogy, the Wachowski siblings, were blown away by the work of the Houston Astros special effects team for a stunt they pulled off in a game last night. The Astros were taking on the Oakland A’s when the feat took place. Astros pitcher Colin McHugh faced a hard line drive off the bat of an A’s hitter, when Astros special effects wizards sprung into action. As the baseball hurtled toward his face, McHugh says he actually saw the Matrix for a split second, and…

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Real Housewives Of Game Of Thrones Trounces GOT8 Ratings

WESTEROS – The Game of Thrones final season premier was a ratings juggernaut for HBO. That was before the after show – The Real Housewives of Game of Thrones. Tens of millions tuned in to watch the drama, backstabbing, and alliances of their favorite women from the show. In tonight’s episode, Cersei Lannister couldn’t deal with the fact that Queen Daenerys found her white overcoat ‘off the rack’ at a Valyrian discount market. “She can afford whatever she wants. I couldn’t bear to show my face in one of those…

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Mueller Report To Be Released As Picture Book For Democrats

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WASHINGTON – Democrats are having a hard time understanding what “No Collusion” and “No Obstruction” means. So to help them more easily understand Robert Mueller’s report and conclusions, Attorney General William Barr will release a version of Mueller’s findings in a picture book format. “I hope with the addition of illustrative pictures, the explanation of no collusion and no obstruction on the part of the president will be easier for them to comprehend,” Barr told reporters after a congressional hearing today. “Because, so far, they’re just not getting it.” “We’re…

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Ocasio-Cortez: Lincoln Might Be Alive Today If US Had Gun Control In 1860’s

Lincoln

WASHINGTON – Noted historian and climate guru Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was interviewed in a town hall meeting on MSNBC recently. While rambling from issue to issue, making it up as she goes, she had a very “Cortez” take on Abraham Lincoln. “You guys, Abraham Lincoln may very well be alive today if we’d only had sensible gun control measures in effect in the 1860’s. John Wilkes Booth wouldn’t have been able to obtain his AR-15 in the first place. But, like, they didn’t even have universal background checks back then,” AOC…

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#MeToo? Joe Biden Admits Past As Shampoo Fragrance Secret Shopper

WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job. “I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I…

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Trump Closes Michigan Rally With Tribute To Ted Nugent

Michigan

GRAND RAPIDS – The raucous crowd attending President Trump’s rally last night were treated to a surprise concert to close the event, when the president paid tribute to Michigan rocker and MAGA supporter Ted Nugent. After hitting all the right political notes, Trump delighted his audience by performing a number of the Motor City Madman’s hits. The president performed his versions of Nugent classics such as Stranglehold, Free-For-All, Dog Eat Dog, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Stormtroopin’, Wango Tango, and Cat Scratch Fever. Details are sketchy as to whether Uncle Ted…

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Dems Worry Trump Exoneration May Set Up 3-Tiered Justice System

WASHINGTON – Leading Democrats, as well as leading Democratic mouthpieces in the media, are worried that an exoneration of President Trump in the Mueller Report may set up a dreaded 3-tiered justice system in America. House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler, “Nads” for short (the guy’s only 5′ 4″), explained his Party’s worry about the president’s vindication in the Russian collusion investigation. “Right now, we have a 2-tiered justice system. We have one for Hillary Clinton and her people, and one for everybody else.” “If Robert Mueller doesn’t indict President…

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