WASHINGTON – Bars in the nation’s capitol will be opening at 9 am Thursday to take advantage of the local demand to watch former FBI director James Comey’s testimony to a congressional committee.
Comey will be discussing details that Democrats hope will lead to President Trump being drawn and quartered in the public square. However, because there is a high likelihood that his testimony will be less than satisfactory to those with Trump Derangement Syndrome, bars are offering happy hour specials to patrons.
Curtis Parker, manager of the Red Derby bar, said his establishment would be serving “Half-price nothingburgers, with our house Russian dressing. We’ll also have special drinks just for the Comey watch party.”
Parker said drinks such as “Piña Collusion,” “Flynn and Tonic,” “Irish Comey,” “Komeykaze,” “Impeach Schnapps,” “Dirty Loyaltini (spoken, not inferred),” “the FBI Mai Tai,” “Long Island Conspira-tea,” and, of course, plenty of “White Russians” should help to dull any disappointment experienced by hopeful progressives.
If the Comey testimony proves especially damaging to the Democrats’ narrative of a Trump/Russian conspiracy, bars will also have plenty of crow available for customers to eat.