WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Stephen Bryer is retiring this summer. Today, Bryer made the announcement official in a ceremony with the president. But as usual, things didn’t go as planned when Joe Biden stepped in front of the cameras.
“Thank you all for being here today,” Biden started. “Today, I’m announcing my retirement from the Supreme Court of the United States. It has been my honor to serve my country in this special role for 30 years.” Justice Breyer lowered his head and covered his face with his palms. “I worry for my grandchildren,” the president continued, “Will they be able to keep this democracy that I have fought to save during my tenure on the court? I doubt it.”
Breyer was then seen looking off camera and mouthing the words, “What a stupid son of a b*tch.” President Biden is considered by most outside the Beltway to be the Forrest Gump of presidents.
It was then that a White House aide stopped Biden and lead him back to his seat. “What did I do?” Joe muttered to the aide. Breyer then gave his remarks about his time on the court and joked, “Unless they just didn’t tell me, the president is not going anywhere. I think Jen Psaki will soon explain what the president meant to say.”
Psaki later told reporters that Biden has been very distracted by figuring out who should succeed Breyer. “The president read what was on the teleprompter. He just got the sequence of speakers mixed up,” Psaki explained.
She told press that Biden was planning to choose a Black woman to be the next justice. However, he wants one who doesn’t have too much sass. But Jen said he may go a different direction. Biden is also considering nominating a bi-polar, red-headed beekeeper from either Idaho or Pennsylvania. Preferably one who can recite lines from Seinfeld episodes and incorporate them into court opinions. He wants the court to look like America.