ON A DELAWARE BEACH – President Biden was visibly angry after hearing Russia was continuing to bombard Ukraine while he vacationed. “Come on, man! It’s Spring Break! Putin knows that. Don’t they have Spring Break in Russia? Go to the beach, Vlad. Chill, baby!”
“I came here to unwind and thought Putin would pause hostilities for Spring Break,” Joe told reporters. “I guess he’s taking this whole WW3 thing more seriously than I am. Oh wait! It’s not spring over there, is it? Jill? Anybody know? Seems like in the footage I’ve seen everybody’s bundled up. Ask Kamala. She’s a party girl, she’ll know.”
The president, who fancies himself a war historian, said Putin’s attacks break long-held military protocols. “Everybody knows you cease attacks for holidays. It’s common courtesy during wartime. Putin told China he wouldn’t invade during the Olympics. Same should hold true for Spring Break. I don’t know what he’s trying to prove.”
Biden recounted how soldiers from the Civil War to The Hundred Years’ War to Viking Conquests all put down arms to celebrate Spring Breaks.
“Let me be clear. The only shots Vlad should be taking right now should be Liquid Panty Droppers, Jungle Juice, Redheaded Slut Shots, Booty Claps, Buttery Nipples, or Unicorn Freakshakes. On a Russian beach. Period.”