WASHINGTON – American president Joe Biden doesn’t care about your high gas prices. And they’re going to go higher thanks to his bungling of the Russia-Ukraine mess. But in a speech to the nation today, Biden said there was light at the end of the tunnel.
“We need to be honest,” the president said. “Energy prices are going to keep going up, because I don’t know how to bring them down. Also, I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with Putin. Hell, I was 83 minutes late for this speech because my nap ran a little longer than I’d planned. I’m a low-octane president. Get it? But there is hope for the American people.”
“In just a few years, 2024 to be exact, the American people will elect a new, Republican president. You’re all going to be so sick of Democrats and our policies, you’ll likely throw all of us bums out. And that new president, whoever he/she/they/them/it may be, will begin allowing oil to be drilled on federal lands again. Republicans aren’t scared of environmentalist wackos like we are. The United States will become energy-independent again. Gas prices will plummet from my all-time highs.”
“The country will start to feel ‘normal’ again. I can’t do anything now because I don’t know what to do, and ‘they’ won’t let me anyway. So hang in there, it’s just a couple of years. I know it sucks, but this is what you voted for. Take on another job if you have to. Cut back on fun things. You’re gonna need that extra money to pay for inflated energy prices as long as I’m your president. Thank you.” (Turns back on cameras and slinks away)