WILMINGTON – President Joke Biden announced today that intelligence officials informed him Taliban fighters are overrunning the state of Delaware. Hearing the news, the president left DC for the state as soon as he finished briefing the country on the mess in Afghanistan.
“Those who are saying I’m returning to Delaware for vacation don’t get the intel briefings I get,” Biden angrily told reporters. “I understand these are difficult times in Afghanistan. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow the Tollybon to take Dover! Let’s go, we’re burning daylight, boys! Where’s my musket and bayonet?!”
The president said Tollybon fighters had been spotted on the Rehoboth Beach Boardwalk, crossing the Indian River Inlet bridge, and visiting Cooch’s Bridge. However, what alarmed Biden the most was news that Tollybon insurgents were headed for the Hopkins Farm Creamery. Joke insisted the dairy makes the best chocolate chip ice cream in Sussex County.
“That one really hit home. If they take Hopkins Farm…then all is lost. I can’t let that happen. I’ll leave Afghanistan to our highly incompetent military strategists. Me? I’m gonna take those savages behind the shed if they so much as break one waffle cone at that creamery! You tell the Tollybon I’m coming! And Blue Bell’s coming with me! You hear me?! Blue…Bell’s…coming with me!!!”
Biden has previously stated that he believes those behind a Taliban takeover in Delaware have been posing as 7-11 clerks for decades. His spokesgal, Jen Psaki, said the term ‘vacation’ was simply the Secret Service code name for the president’s Delaware offensive.