IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year.
“In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”
Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his campaign manager, “Joe hates malarkey. And while he’ll say a lot of stupid things during this trip through Iowa, he’ll never lose his focus on kicking malarkey’s ass every time he sees it.”
“Our founding fathers never meant for the 1st Amendment to cover malarkey,” Biden told the crowd. “In fact, my biggest regret from being vice-president is that Barack and I had 8 years to stamp out malarkey, and we didn’t get it done.”
“But as your next president, my number one goal will be to destroy malarkey….and to raise your taxes. Fighting malarkey takes money. Sorry, but it’s true.”
A member of the audience then asked Biden how he planned to identify and root out malarkey in the state. He replied, “I know it when I hear it. Trust me.”