Biden Warns Russia That Invading Troops Better Be Masked Or Hell To Pay


WASHINGTON – President Biden had an intense, hour-long phone call with Russia’s President Putin yesterday. Biden warned the Red Menace they’d better be masked and vaxxed before invading Ukraine. The US president insisted it was just a matter of common courtesy.

“Look, we’re on the tail end of this covid….you know, the thing,” Joe told reporters. “But I told President Putin that allowing unmasked, unvaxxed soldiers to invade Ukraine could set us back months if the invasion turned out to be a super-spreader event. That’s a scenario even my military leaders didn’t think about. Jen Psaki gave me the idea, actually.”

Biden admitted that a Russian invasion of Ukraine would cause hardships across the globe. More inflation, soaring energy prices, tumbling financial markets, supply chain woes, and political unrest throughout Europe. But the lasting covid effects would be devastating.

“Imagine hundreds of thousands of Ukrainians with the sniffles, body aches, fatigue, and no sense of taste or smell that can last for weeks. No! Our southern border is the only place I’ll allow unmasked, unvaxxed invaders to ruin my country. I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch that happen to another country!” Joe barked.

The weary president said he’s not seen a military buildup like Russia has amassed on the Ukrainian border since Jan. 6, 2021.

The ramifications for defying Biden’s warning could be costly for Russia. Biden threatened to green-light another Russian pipeline project, enact meaningless sanctions, or give Russia billions in military hardware. The call ended with the Russian president saying, “Let’s go, Brandon.”


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2 Thoughts to “Biden Warns Russia That Invading Troops Better Be Masked Or Hell To Pay

  1. Are you sure that’s satire???

    1. E. Williams

      No, actually!

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