LOS ANGELES – Following the success of Hollywood actresses at the Golden Globes Awards show last weekend putting an end to sexual harassment, self-defense experts are urging all women to wear black dresses whenever they leave the house as the latest way to ward off potential assaults.
“If you’ll notice,” Consuela Jackson of Beverly Hills Jiu-Jitsu Club remarked, “There was not one single rape or sexual assault of any of the actresses who wore black dresses to The Globes the other night. I think that speaks volumes.”
Most experts are unsure how the power of the black dress works to repel any would-be harasser, but they insist “some things just aren’t meant for us to understand.” They recommend women wear black dresses anywhere for protection; in dark alleys, the beach, walking to your car alone, or for a night on the town.
Sexual assaults have plagued mankind since the world began and actresses like Jessica Chastain, Meryl Streep, Natalie Portman, and others are now being recognized as finally putting an end to the madness. On the red carpet before the Golden Globes telecast, people were unable to even hug an attendee wearing a black dress, unless they were also wearing a black dress. They’re that powerful.
As the safety of the black dress catches on around the country, fashion will be a lot more boring – but we’ll all be safer for it.