WASHINGTON – According to a groundbreaking new study released today by the government agency assigned to handling statistics on crime in America, vandalism by members of the Black Lives Matter movement, along with the NFL’s Colin Kaeperdick’s kneeling during the national anthem movement, blacks continue to be killed at the same rate as before said protests.
Louie Papale, spokesman for the Department of Meaningless Protests (DoMP), seemed surprised by the findings. “It was not what we expected at all. You would think that an athlete refusing to stand, or even raising a closed fist in the air, during the national anthem, would make someone think twice before shooting a young black man or woman. But we found no such correlation.”
“In addition, the act of spray painting phrases such as ‘No Justice, No Peace,’ or ‘Black Lives Matter’ on walls or statues has, as far as we can document, resulted in not one fewer death of a black person due to the killer having seen the vandalism before they carried out the act.”
“It’s truly mindboggling,” Papale said. “Don’t gangbangers today watch the NFL? Or turn on the news from time to time? What in God’s name does someone have to do these days to get the public’s attention and create change? At our agency, if spray painted vandalism or disrespecting your country cannot prevent crime in the black community…….then we give up. Because we’re all out of ideas, much like these protesters.”