NEW YORK – Gazillionaire and presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg revealed today he’s working on building a time machine. He’s hoping the contraption will allow him to go back in time and destroy all evidence of his prior remarks on race, women, or any other issue that’s been coming back to haunt him recently.
“I’ll destroy all electronic recordings of everything I ever said in the past,” Bloomberg said. “I don’t know how these videos and audio recordings of my stupid and offensive statements from the past have survived. I want to know who’s been hoarding the evidence all this time.”
Derogatory comments about blacks, farmers, women, social security, and other topics have resurfaced recently, creating speed bumps in what Bloomberg thought would be an easy presidency to buy.
“Look, all those things I said before……I wasn’t running for president then. See the difference? Anyway, my time machine will render this discussion moot in no time. My engineers tell me things are progressing nicely on the construction of the device.”
The trip back in time is risky, but Bloomberg says the risk is worth taking. “I’ve said a lot of ignorant and offensive things in my past. It’ll be worth it if I can pull this off.”
Bloomberg confirmed that if he could only erase from the public’s memory all the things he’s said that make him look like a jackass, and then keep his mouth sewn shut for the next 8 months, he could give Trump a run for his money in November.
Sadly, Mike admits his machine won’t make him any taller upon his return from the past. Sorry, Mini-Mike.