WASHINGTON – Officials at the CDC announced this week that the long, sought-after cure for covid-19 was Joe Biden’s image all along. Dr. Rochelle Walensky, head of the CDC, made the announcement.
“After exhaustive research, and pouring through just enough data to support our narrative, we have reached the conclusion that indoor masking is no longer needed. Apparently, the covid strains are no match for a Joe Biden State of the Union speech. We should have seen this much earlier than we did. It seems fairly obvious now. For those who want to continue masking, you are welcome to do so. However, face diapers will lose their magic powers once the president addresses the nation on March 1. We realize this is welcome news to many, but we will miss the control we’ve had over your lives these past 2 years.”
The president’s spokesgal, Peppermint Patty, explained the situation to reporters. “I can tell you all that the president WILL be taking a victory lap at the SOTU speech on Tuesday. As he should. The president has succeeded in conquering covid, breaking the American people financially, eliminating our border, showing the world how to make a memorable exit as he did in Afghanistan, and made us dependent on energy from our enemies. In addition, as I speak, the president is busy crank-calling President Putin from his basement in Delaware. It should be a short matter of time before Russia calls back her forces from Ukraine.”
Yes, it’s been a horribly memorable first year for the Delaware Dud. And there’s so much more to go! Americans will be eagerly awaiting what miscalculations the president plans to lay out for the next year in his upcoming SOTU speech. Who knew those boring speeches held so much power?