CHI-TOWN – It was a slightly slower than normal weekend of death and bloodshed in Chicago this weekend. Only 21 people were shot in the Democrat-led city, resulting in 6 deaths. Mayor Lori LightSocket (named so because of her hair, although her maiden name is Lightfoot) has reason for concern.
“I was surprised by the numbers, frankly,” Mayor LightSocket said. “Maybe some folks were doing a little back-to-school looting over the weekend. Or maybe more people hit the lakes this weekend. For whatever reason, I think people were busy doing other things.”
The mayor expressed confidence that the number of shootings and deaths would be back up to record levels in no time. “Everybody has an off day, or weekend, from time to time. We’ll bounce back.”
LightSocket can hang her hat on the fact that among her constituents in July, the murder rate was up 139% over July 2019. “That doesn’t just occur by happenstance,” she told reporters. “It takes a continuous effort of blind, mind-numbing incompetence to achieve these outcomes. I’m very proud of our city leaders.”
“To all my gangbangers and upstanding criminal friends across the city, thank you…….and keep up the good work!” Mayor LightSocket is not up for reelection for several years, so she looks forward to her city breaking new records for murders going forward.
“I think you’ll see Chicago continue to dominate New York City and Los Angeles in shootings. And I believe it’s for two reasons. One, we don’t shy away from letting our youngest, and most vulnerable, get in on the action as victims. And two, nobody pretends this isn’t a problem better than we do.”