WASHINGTON – On the first day at his new job, incoming White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly greeted President Trump in the Oval Office with a handshake. Then he ordered the president to drop and give him 50 push-ups.
“Count ’em out, soldier!” Kelly ordered. “Your mama ain’t here anymore. I’m going to whip this White House staff into a lean, mean political machine – or die tryin’.” The president was caught off guard but managed to grind out 12 push-ups before falling to the floor to catch his breath.
Calling his first staff meeting this morning with Kellyanne Conway, Steve Bannon, and Jared Kushner, along with their aides, Kelly announced some changes for the White House under his watch.
“Every morning, we’ll begin at 0500 hours with one hour of PT. If you can’t get here on time, don’t bother coming in late. Just go ahead and tender your resignation. We will also have live-fire drills that will teach you to handle a constant barrage of attacks from the media.
“Next, we’ll do a 3-mile run, followed by one hour spent hazing members of the Republican congress until they learn to toughen up. Finally, we’ll head over to the obstacle course, where we’ll run circles around Democrat dummies. After that, you’re dismissed to carry on with scheduled interviews or whatever your position requires that day.”
“Remember, maggots, failure is not an option! Now, get our there and make a difference. Dismissed.”