SUGAR LAND, TX – Bill and Hillary Clinton’s “Can’t Get Rid of Us Tour” has been having serious problems selling tickets to see their dog and pony show. A planned event here this week to listen to the famous grifters make excuses for all the ways America has failed them, has been postponed.
Ticket sales were in the toilet, but the pair blamed the postponement on the death and funeral of former President George H. W. Bush. “Boy, I tell you what,” Bill Clinton said, “The Grim Reaper sure pulled our pants out the fire with that one. Once we saw the numbers, we didn’t know how we were going to get out of that Sugar Land show.”
Now, the Clinton’s have come up with a new strategy to try to fill venues on their unwanted tour. “We’ll just let everyone in for free,” Hillary explained. “But then, we’ll lock the doors and make people pay to get out. Once we start speaking, some of those ‘exit fees’ will start to skyrocket pretty quick. You’d be surprised to see how much people will pay to get away from a Clinton these days.”
She continued, “Our people at the exits will be taking money from the highest offers, and only those people will be allowed to leave. If you’re not prepared to open your wallets and empty them out, well, you’re stuck until we decide to shut up a couple of hours later.”
Local critics have said the tactic amounts to a hostage situation, but the Clinton’s say they’re fine with that.