NEW YORK – It was learned on Saturday that a package addressed to President Trump earlier in the week contained the toxic poison ricin. Fortunately, law enforcement agents intercepted the package before it reached the White House.
While the poison can be deadly to humans, even in the smallest amounts, CNN is reporting that the ricin has been tested and was deemed to be ‘mostly peaceful.’ Mostly peaceful ricin is apparently a new strain of the poison. So new, in fact, that law enforcement didn’t know about it.
“This is a new one to us,” an anonymous agent explained. “Our confidence is extremely high that the ricin sent in this package meant for the White House would have been plenty deadly. I don’t care what they try to call it.”
The agent added, “It’s kind of funny, actually. Calling it ‘mostly peaceful’ ricin is about as true as saying CNN is ‘mostly truthful.’ Nobody’s buying it.”
The package was reportedly mailed from Canada. Somebody’s going to be sorry.