NEW YORK – Masturbating during Zoom calls has not gone mainstream yet. CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin didn’t get the memo. So network executives met to discuss his future with the company. Toobin has taken a leave of absence in light of being caught pleasuring himself during a Zoom call.
The network says their guy is suffering from over-exposure.
“At first, I thought about just giving him the shaft,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker. “But after I cooled down, I realized that Jeffrey is just the kind of degenerate we look for in all our contributors.” Toobin was called to Zucker’s office.
Zucker asked Toobin how he thought they should handle the situation, regarding his employment. “He said, ‘I’d like to stick it out.’ I said ‘Not now, Jeffrey. Not here.’ He seemed chaffed by my response.”
Zucker told Jeffrey there had been other complaints about him from employees at CNN. Most centered around animal cruelty. Turns out, there have been multiple allegations from females at CNN that Toobin had been choking his chicken.
“I never took Jeffrey as a farm boy, and I don’t know how many chickens he has, but I don’t condone that kind of behavior,” Zucker said. “I’ve gotta say though, if Jeffrey was trying to get some publicity…….those were some short, fast strokes of genius!”