NEW YORK – CNN anchor Chris “Fredo” Cuomo has become tangled in scandal. The cocky TV host has been tied to brother Andrew Cuomo’s sex scandal. However, in typical CNN spin fashion, Chris now claims that he’s never had any brothers.
Talking to the only ‘brother’ he claims to be close to, anchor Don Lemon, Cuomo said, “Don, you know me. We go way back. I’ve always had your back, no matter how bizarre or racist your takes have always been, haven’t I?” “Yes you have, brother,” Lemon responded.
“People are saying I’m ignoring covering the sex scandal of some governor of an unnamed, large northeastern state. They’re linking me to him just because of our last names. But you know that I’m the bastard love child of CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin and Diane Sawyer. I don’t even know how I got the Cuomo name! My birth certificate gives my last name as Stelter.”
“This has got to be really frustrating for you, my man,” said Lemon. “I know you well enough to know that if you had any brothers you would tell us straight out. Tell you what…why don’t you just tell viewers you’re going on vacation. That way you don’t have to cover that story, and we’ll continue to ignore it while you’re away. Sound good, buddy?”
“Yeah, ok,” Fredo answered. “You know, whoever this Andrew Cuomo is, I wish him well. I’m sure whoever he is, he’s a smart, sexy, charming ladies man…like me. And I’m sure that if he did inappropriate things with all these women, well, they just don’t appreciate the Italian god that man must be. It’s like when I treat people like crap, they’re lucky. Even if I threaten to throw you down some stairs, you’re still getting my attention, right? That’s a big deal! I’m on television, damn it!”
“Ok, brother, simmer down,” Lemon broke in. “You head off on a suspiciously-timed vacation, and we’ll go back to blaming the unvaccinated for all the ills of our society. Take care, brother.”