Congressman Conyers’ Pastor: I Said Put Hands Up ‘High,’ Not Thigh


DETROIT – Even the biggest gropers in our society know not to grope in church. Most of them know, anyway. Representative John Conyers, congressman from Detroit since the Middle Ages, has a new accuser who says he put his hand up her skirt during a church service.

Conyers’ pastor wondered if the congressman may be hard of hearing. “I remember that sermon, and I clearly said to the congregation, ‘If the spirit moves you to, put your hands up high,’ not ‘put your hands up thigh.’ Personally, I don’t see how someone could make that mistake.”

The victim of the church groping was a woman who worked for Conyers at the time. The nearly fossilized congressman told reporters, “I was just praying for (a) piece.” The incident reportedly took place in the front row of the church.

Conyers released a statement today announcing his immediate retirement from Congress. Part of his statement read:

I want to make clear to my constituents in Michigan, there is no similarity between Senator Al Franken and myself. We’re both true statesmen, it’s just that he’s a breast man and I’m more of a leg man. Finally, I’d like to publicly endorse my son to succeed me, in the hopes that he can chase skirts in DC and carry on the respectable Conyers name and legacy. Thank you.



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2 Thoughts to “Congressman Conyers’ Pastor: I Said Put Hands Up ‘High,’ Not Thigh

  1. Actually, Conyers once told me he was the “Assman”. Oops. Sorry. Bad Seinfeld reference!

    1. E. Williams

      Sounds about right.

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