WASHINGTON – Self-anointed ladies men, Michigan congressman John Conyers and Minnesota senator Al Franken, have been picked to head the newly created (but much needed) Congressional Committees of Perverse Politicians (CCPP). Conyers will serve as the top Democrat on the House side, while Franken will preside over gropers in the Senate.
Conyers, known for taking meetings with staffers in his underwear, says the committees will focus on teaching members of both parties how to spin accusations, smear accusers, and write pretend apologies so they can weather bad press but keep all the perks that come with being a member of Congress.
“I’ve been a member of Congress for 52 years,” Conyers said. “What the hell else am I gonna do? I’m institutionalized. Plus, the ladies on Capitol Hill would miss me. Nope, I’m here to stay.” He also said former president Bill Clinton, an expert in perverted behaviors, has agreed to periodically speak to the CCPP.
Hillary Clinton, who insists enabling has gotten a bad rap during her years in public office, will share her strategies with committee members too.
Meanwhile, Franken hopes to help other senators perfect better groping techniques, as well as working on legislation to have the word “groping” changed in the dictionary to mean “innocent hugging.” “Look, I’m a hugger, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little handsy. But all gropers like me are looking for is a helping hand or a leg up. All the women I’ve taken the trouble to fondle over the years should take it as a compliment and move on.”
On Sunday, Democrat Nancy Pelosi defended Conyers. “This new committee position will be good for John. You know, when a Democrat faithfully tows the party line on our agenda, you have to forgive a little perverted behavior. Democrat boys will be boys! That’s how I see it.”
Asked what she thought should happen to Alabama Republican Roy Moore if he wins his upcoming election to join the Senate, Pelosi quickly replied, “Oh, we should hang him and then burn him at the stake. We can’t have Republicans out there acting inappropriately. He should have been executed the moment we learned of the accusations.”
Pelosi has long been admired as being the voice of reason for the Democratic Party.