DELAWARE – Joe Biden has lived quite a life in his own head. And he’s willing to share it with anyone who’s willing to listen. Finally, video has emerged that introduces America to the exploits of Badass Biden the Lifeguard and his nemesis Corn Pop and the Sugar Cereal Gang.
As he tells it, Biden went all Baywatch in the early 1960’s at a community pool where he was a lifeguard. A player named Corn Pop wouldn’t obey when Joe ordered him to step off (the diving board). Words were exchanged and Pop told Baywatch Biden he’d be waiting for him when he got off duty.
Corn Pop, accompanied by his sidekicks Apple Jack, Trix, and a dude called Chex, who claimed to be gluten-free and had no tolerance whatsoever for lactose, were waiting outside the pool when Joe got off, as promised. Together, they made up the Sugar Cereal Gang, and were feared by all in the community except Biden.
The gang members were armed with spoons and were ready to rumble with the legendary lifeguard. Suddenly, Joe whipped out a string of metal and shouted, “I’m gonna put y’all back in chains!” Biden later revealed he was also carrying a pair of nun-chucks, 5 Chinese throwing stars, and a flamethrower, but those details are sketchy at best since Joe was only wearing his swimming trunks and a t-shirt at the time.
The lifeguard took an awful chance by standing up to Corn Pop, because he came from a big family who could have caused tremendous trouble for Biden. Pop’s brothers, Corn Starch, Corn Syrup, and Corn Dawg, along with cousins Snap and Crackle, were allegedly bad characters too.
Biden finally diffused the situation by apologizing for calling Pop a name at the pool, and the boys put away their spoons. The gang probably realized that Joe had a lifetime of selfless sacrifice as a corrupt politician ahead of him and didn’t want to mess that up.