CESSPOOL OF WASH. DC – In their bid to claim Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted nearly every living creature as a younger man, Democrats are just getting started. They next plan to out several farm animals they claim Kavanaugh tried to have sex with back in the day.
Senator Chuck Schumer is demanding today that the FBI (Farm Bureau of Investigations) conduct a thorough check into these new assault charges. The new allegations center around Goat Boy and several unnamed chicks.
The chicks all say they wish to remain anonymous. However, Goat Boy says he hopes the national exposure will kick start his career. The animals are all being represented by animal porn lawyer, Michael Avenatti.
Goat Boy claims he was assaulted by Kavanaugh at a barn in rural Maryland, though he admits he can’t remember the exact location of the farm, or even the year, of the attack. “I saaaaaawwww him trying to get the chicks ddddruu-uuu-uuuu-uunnk, and putting druuuuu-maaaa-uuugs in the pig trough.”
Democratic senators Kirsten Gillibrand and Mazie Hirono both insist the animals’ claims sound credible and are demanding that Kavanaugh be taken to the woodshed. Gillibrand also pointed out that you can’t have a circus like these confirmation hearings without animals.
CNN is vouching for the authenticity of the charges.