WASHINGTON – Forget about Amy Coney Barrett’s Catholicism. Senate Democrats have a small favor to ask before they’ll give her their blessings as the newest Supreme Court Justice.
Senator Diane Feinstein (D-CA) told reporters, “After talking with my Democratic colleagues, we all feel that if Judge Barrett will simply perform one abortion, during the confirmation hearings, we could give her our support. If she did that, I think we could overlook all the dogma that guides her. We could even get past her biggest sin – being a conservative.”
Senator Mazie Hirono (D-HI) added, “You never know, she might like it. As any good Catholic Democrat will tell you, there’s nothing like the thrill of ending the life of the unborn. It’s what feeds our souls. I mean, if we had one. But if that right were taken away from us, there would be no joy in life.”
Vice-presidential candidate Kamala Harris (D-CA) went even further. “I want to see blood during her hearings. She needs to prove to me that she’s ready to roll up her sleeves, pull out the forceps, and get her hands dirty. It doesn’t even have to be full term. I’m good with a partial, as long as it’s got a beating heart. That’s the only way in hell she’ll get my vote.”
Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) concurred. “Ms. Barrett needs to offer a human sacrifice to the spirit of Justice Ginsburg if she hopes to take her seat. An abortion, performed live (no pun intended) on TV, would offset my many concerns about her faith, her whiteness, and about her being a decent human being.”
Speaker Nancy Pelosi and presidential candidate Joe Biden, both practicing Democrats, and Catholics in name only, agreed that the abortion demand was a small concession for Barrett to make in exchange for a seat on the highest court.