WASHINGTON – Democratic Party chair Tom Perez has posted an ad in the DC classifieds offering a reward to anyone who knows the whereabouts of the party’s moral authority. Unaware that Democrats lost their moral authority during the Clinton-Lewinsky years of the 1990’s, Perez is hoping someone out there can shed light on its current location.
“I’m actually a little embarrassed,” Perez admitted. “We’ve been acting holier than thou when we slam Republicans about their alleged scandals, while looking the other way at misdeeds committed by our own, but I didn’t think most Americans could see our blatant hypocrisy. We’re offering $100 for the return of our moral authority. That’s all the DNC can afford right now.”
Democrats became confused when the latest sex scandal involving Alabama senate hopeful Roy Moore was reported by the Washington Post, and the public didn’t take the story as gospel. The party faithful’s incensed tweets about Moore have largely fallen on deaf ears too.
“I mean, yes, when Bill Clinton had sex in the White House with Monica we looked the other way. We’ve been looking the other way at rapes, sexual harassment and assaults in Hollywood for decades. Rigged elections, you name it. But this one is different. This time it’s a Republican!” Perez insisted.
“So, seriously, if anyone out there knows where Democrats’ moral authority is….please return it. Until then, I guess we’ll have to keep faking taking the high ground. Besides, we’re used to acting outraged about everything anyway. But it’s exhausting, really.”